the livingdead bitch.

The Malays - no real issue now. Hahaha

2010-10-14T12:06:00.003+08:00

So... I havent updated my blog for quite awhile now. Now that I am sitting at Coffeebean with 2 hours to wait before my next training, I think it's time to put what I feel, what Ive gone through, what I feel into words.

There are certain issues I feel very strongly about, and I've felt very strongly about it for a long time. It's just that, like many others, I didn't bother to post it up on Facebook, although... I've actually quite a few posts in my blog since my younger days. Here and there, but since noone really reads my blog, there has never been a big hoo haa about it.

What made me suddenly do it? you know, post all these "negative" comments about the Malays on FB, hence inviting alot of attention, up til the point, it came out in Berita Harian.

Well, I guess, I grew up. I saw, I observed, I analysed, and I did it the best way I know how to do it. Post it up on FB. Why? Cause I have so many Malays on my FB and the messages are meant for them, for them to pass on to their friends/family etc. And... u read my previous post, about how it got so big.

It's not nice to "fitnah", it's sinful. But i do know who the perpetrators of it all are. How they blew it all out of proportion etc etc. Which I feel, served me well, because... "publicity, any form of it, is good publicity." News travel. And I am glad, that whatever I have posted, did make a difference POSITIVELY in some OTHER pple's lives. And for those who passionately opposed me, they were like a living example of what I've posted. I do invite debates, but do check out the "fanpage" (Hana Saemon should apologise publicly to the Malay Community). If they want to debate, substantiate it with facts, figures whatever.

They didnt concentrate on the main point, which is (and i stand by this) "THE MALAY COMMUNITY NEEDS HELP AND AT THIS POINT, THEY SUCK." and that was heavily summarised. yeah, im Malay, so I suck too lah? cmon pple. if you are SMART enough, you would know that when someone refers generally like that, it's not an indication that the WHOLE malay community suck. it's just that, a certain group of ignorant ones are causing the rest to look like shit, when the rest are actually okay. basically, this "nila setitik" causes the whole "belangah" of "susu" to "rosak."

it's not only important to get yourself educationally educated. it's also wise to get yourself educated on the whole. and ive always emphasised that it's NOT JUST educational qualifications, but it's about being educated overall. the message is: do not be stupid.

having said that though, living in Singapore, you know you cant survive comfortably if you are not equipped with the paper qualifications. yes, you have skills, and yes, you know your stuff. but with foreign talents coming armed with paper qualifications to PROVE their skills, what have YOU got. that's reality knocking on the door babe. and even with paper qualifications, it's already difficult to find a job, what about those without.

then, some pple, happily said that, "it's okay. asalkan ada makanan atas table, and it's halal, then it's okay." that's selfish. you are only thinking of yourself. what about your PARENTS, your future CHILDREN? do you even read the papers? do you know how much it would cost to take care of your parents and send your kids for proper education? and you choose to be selfish and not do anything when u know u can do something about your current state now?

i dont deny that i chase for material wealth too. but i put a limit to it. like why dont i have a car, when my pay is double that of this particular person i know who bought his car when he earned only $1.6k. if he could afford it, i blardy hell can too. but everytime i think about it, there were so many other things that stopped me.

1) i can use this money to further educate myself. to get my masters etc
2) i can use this money to travel. seeing other countries, their culture, the pple is education too.
3) i cans use this money to save for my younger brother to further his education after NS.
4) i can donate more money to education funds, for those who are not as fortunate to seek education f0r themselves.
5) i can use this money to invest, buy insurance, to ensure that I am well taken care off when I am older, and that in case anything were to happen to me, my family will get money.

and... most importantly... i'm not in debt. a car in Singapore... is not joke okay. what if you get retrenched? or fired?

then these pple happily talk about how in Islam yadaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. some points are true. but... it's really annoying when pple concentrate on that part of Islam to use it as an excuse, rather than concentrate on the part that Islam encourages education and encourages u to seek wealth (in every sense of the word, wealth in knowledge, monetarily etc). failure to see the real message behind "kutukans". now... that's narrow minded. padahal, Islam encourages u to see the good behind every supposedly bad.

oh well... i can go on and on, but u get my drift. haha

I shall end this with a few quotes:

Nelson Mandela:
1) There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.

2) After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.

3) Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

and last of all.... BANGKOK IN 3 WEEKS!! WOOHOOO!!! hahaha..that was random. =D

The Malays - Issue 2

2010-09-04T14:48:00.002+08:00

There has been a lot of hoohaa about me and my opinions on the Malays. Yeah, i'm Malay. So that makes me part of the community too. I've been receiving a lot of feedbacks, negative ones mostly (obviously) and a few positive ones. I'm glad as many as there are who opposed me (usually the ones who terasa), there are as many who agrees with me (not necessarily my friends. i have strangers messaging me too).

This is great, and I really hope the message will spread around. Better from me, a part of the community, than someone from the outside right? When a Chinese or an Indian were to say that the Malays are a lost cause, useless, lazy etc, you will that they are racist and they are discriminating. But have you ever taught what led them to think of us this way?

Someone messaged me a long message on fb etc. So i shall cut and paste my reply to her, and this will be my reply to all:

I'm not stupid enough to think of doing something without being able to bear the repercussions.

There are reasons why I do things that I do, which might not make sense to you. But in reality, it is working just perfectly. As how I wanted it.

I do not actually look down on odd-job labourers. It was a comment made to counter what someone said that "we malays are simple people. tak payah kerja tinggi2. as long as there's food on the table, it's okay. janji halal." which is true. but then, dont complain about the marginalisation of the malays when they sit down at kedai kopi, since that's what they have chosen for themselves.

when i was your age, i had idealistic views as you. I have friends who are educated and their thinking is "why bother? we just mind our business. they, theirs. at the end of the day, we are going to be ones helping them anyway, by donating. so just stay away from them." hence, the categorisation occured. my answer to them was, "don't look down... they are humans too."

but over time, hanging out with them and having them as friends, observing them, made me see the difference. when i say SEEK KNOWLEDGE, it is NOT in paper qualifications. It is in knowledge, and in Islam knowledge is encouraged, be it in whatever form. A person who is knowledgeable is valued higher in Islam than a devout.

My dad was from ITE, then VI. he is a supervisor technician with SATS and have his own business. My grandad has 12 kids and couldnt afford to provide much for his kids. My dad provided for himself ever since. My dad said, "we live in the present, and we have to adjust to the present as long as it's not out of Islam". Success is in your mind. My dad went on to take skills certificates to upgrade himself. And im proud of him. From a low techncian bringing in 400 a month, to someone who can afford to live comfortably (not rich).

What i want to say here is that, the problem that I'm trying to point out is that we should not be complacent (asalkan ada food on table ok pe - that kind of mindset). we meaning the malays. we should continually strive to better ourselves, if we want to survive in Singapore, and in the world.

And why did I post such degrading posts? If i posted nice2, encouraging, motivational quotes, will it have been quoted? will you be here bothering to even send me a message? Food for thought.

It is working the way I planned it to be. Sometimes, to make change happen, you need to stir the bowl. If you get what I mean. =)

my definition of love

2010-08-26T13:17:00.003+08:00

The other day, Noor asked me what's my definition of love. It got me thinking. I have been through so much, but have I really ever loved?

I asked myself a few questions, but I still have yet to find the answer.

So, have I really ever loved?

Love, from what I heard, is self-sacrificing, selfless etc etc. Well, you know... definitions by the book. and these definitions are not necessarily applicable.

After years and years of going through it all, I realised, there is little I know about love. I can't come up with a proper definition of love. It just happens. But I have trust in God, that He will, insyaAllah, answer my prayers. And I think He heard my cries for help to open .

I realised it's important to love God first, then love yourself, before u are able to love anyone else. I learnt that the hard way. Took me a few years to realise it. But Alhamdullillah, I see it now.

And hence, in conclusion, there is no hard and fast definition of Love. But believe that it is there. It might have been there all along... you just didnt realise it. It might be unexpected. It might be shocking. It might not be any of the above.

But what it definitely is, is that Love is wonderful.

Hana's constant stream of conciousness

2010-08-20T13:37:00.002+08:00

is going:

Argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh!

Yes, that pretty sums up what i'm feeling now.

Not necessarily negative though. haha

distractions. sigh. getting sucked deeper into this. sheesh. not that it's bad though. hmm....

ARGHHHHH!

hana's stream of conciousness

2010-08-15T16:21:00.005+08:00

when your life is running so smoothly, and you're happy for the first time in a long time... really happy cause you've mapped out your life, and are determined to go through with your plans... and you know everything will turn out fine when you follow the path. suddenly, an unexpected force comes in to provide resistance (not necessarily negative), and u know this force can overwhelm you and divert you from your path.

okay, maybe the force will not overwhelm, but it can distract...

or it will compliment. maybe.

argh. whatever. can't get it out of head. argh. ive been mindf**ked. haha

anyway, for the past few months, i've been really happy. single. i've always had someone with me since i was 16. i wasnt even dating. ive always had a bf. and ever since i was 18, with zil and taj, i was in stable committed relationships that spanned over a few years. 2 yrs, 3 yrs respectively.

the past one year, ever since i broke off the engagement and left taj (which was a very difficult decision on my part. it took a lot of confidence and prep talk and a month away from him to get me to do it), has been quite interesting.

i went through the process of being 18 again. i started dating around. Luckily for me, the guy I dated (Jacob) was God's way of showing me that this kind of guys do exist. (go for friday prayers, good religious knowledge - if muslims -, nice, good sense of humour etc). Then satan had to come back and counter attack, and along came the Spawn of Satan.

And ever since the day i managed to purge Spawn of Satan out of life, I have realised something. That I really do not need anyone because my friends are enough, my family is enough... my life is fine.

I have a great job. I enjoy school. I have the greatest friends and family. I have everything. Alhamdulillah. So why do I need to have a guy to make me feel whole right? and ever since that realisation came to me, i've been jumping around, a bundle of joy, everywhere I go. I reflect on my past mistakes, not so much as to complain, but as a reminder to myself NOT TO GET DISTRACTED.

but i know deep down inside my heart, that if Jacob comes back, I would go wherever he wants me too, because i know, being with him is the only way i can achieve all that i've ever prayed for. or at least, i THOUGHT so.

and so... there i was cruising along, happily with my life... observing, assessing, analysing... and everytime distractions come along, i'll switch on my bitch switch, and bye-bye distraction, have a nice life.

den suddenly.... BOOM. another distraction came along. and this was a perfect distraction.

and as of now, i'm so distracted, trying to get the distraction out of my head, that im about to go headbang myself on the wall.

ARGH.

The Malays - Issue 1

2010-08-14T14:57:00.006+08:00

I am increasingly feeling the divide. Once, I had people from all walks of life as my friends. Now, I feel myself not being able to withstand being around those who do not make sense to me.

I am not one who chooses my friend by how educated he/she is. I have never really minded being friends with one who is not inclined towards education. BUT, some can never fully validate or give me a substantial and logical reason as to why they are they way they are. If they have other dreams that they want to pursue, that will definitely reap in benefits in the long run, I'm okay. but most are just plain lazy.

So lazy, i almost gave up.

When I was working with the RTC boys, (my class consists of all Malay boys) they were encouraging. I enjoyed every minute of my training with them. Knowing that I have imparted some knowledge to them was one thing, it was their desire to learn, and to gain the knowledge that inspires me.

Everytime, when I think that the Malays are a lost cause, I will think of my short stint in prison, and realise that, yes, we do make mistakes, but there are SOME who do change. And they become even better than the rest. I know some of them went back to school, or intend to go back to school when they are out. And it makes me proud that I am in contact with such people. That they were once a part of my life.

Therefore, I do not look down on people who have gone to prison/rtc. I have nothing but good remarks for them. HOWEVER, those who are outside, sprawling on the streets, wasting their time etc... those are the ones I am concern about.

Issue 1. Education - Many malays make excuses as to why they do not want to further their studies. some of the more common excuses: no money, no time, need to work etc etc.

I wonder, why is it then, someone who lives in a one-room rental flat can manage to send their children to university, that these people cant? Not all families are the same. I know that. That's why u can pay for your own education. That's why there's Mendaki.

Ah...Mendaki. I do not know what's the issue here with Mendaki, but APPARENTLY, Mendaki doesnt help a certain group of Malays. Interesting. I wanna highlight the word APPARENTLY. Because on my part and my brother's part, we have never personally encounter any problems. Mendaki has (apparently) refused to help some families.

But I wonder, why is it, that the large percentage (i think 100 percent) of those who apply for Mendaki funding for tertiary public school education gets the funding. You dont even have to meet the Mendaki staff. When u apply to enter (example) polytechnic, there's a form for you to attach and send. And it's automatically assumed, that as long as you meet the requirements (Malay, first funding etc etc), you will be funded.

So why is it that a certain group do not receive funding? In my opinion, they might not have gone through the proper procedures of applying, OR, they requested for CASH, OR they requested for allowance etc. I do not think Mendaki provides that for anyone.

And if you really want it, wouldnt you bring this issue up to the relevant authorities? Why must you keep mum about it? Go through all the channels. The meet the MP session, the media etc etc.

It all boils down to the point of how muh you want it.

Some people can afford to buy a car, can afford to smoke cigarettes, can afford to frequent clubs, but they cant afford to pay for their own education if needed. And it's going to be a cycle.

A cycle of poverty. they do not think that what they are doing now, will not only benefit themselvesm but also their family. Singapore is a dog-eat-dog country. You can decide to be the dog that's eaten, or the dog that's eating.

Another excuse to fund their flimsy argument: Islam. Education is not needed as long as we are religious.

In the first place, are you? Secondly, WHAT NONSENSE?! this is where everyone has got the wrong perception of Islam as a backward religion. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Islam encourages its people to seek and gain knowledge. Read the Quran and the hadiths, and you will know how much it is encouraged.

I can go on and on, but I'm pressed for time. I will continue on another edition of The Malays.

Not depressed

2010-07-06T06:01:00.002+08:00

Okay... I'm not actually depressed... I was just being emotional. haha...

Yes, there are nights when I'm alone and I start thinking of him. He who went far away... back to where he belongs 690 miles away.

But I'm actually happy. After all that I went through with the Spawn of Satan... Now I actually think he is the CLONE of Satan, a.k.a. Armin Torres (lol right? I know! hahahaha)... Anyway, after all the drama he put me through during the 7 weeks (yes, it was short, but it was still a tad too long), I made the loveliest friends ever. And I thank God for the wonderful pple around me now.

Armin, being the sore loser he is, saw a picture of me and Azmi (a.k.a. Kes, Kad... whatever... hhaha) at Pao's wedding... and he posted degrading remarks about me being a "perempuan passing."

I was like... WTH... woke up to so many messages and missed calls and fb messages about it. sesungguhnya..kekecohan yang tak perlu. because in the first place, Azmi and me are not even together. Main tembak je... And an innocent victim, got caught in the line of fire. It was just a picture of us together. =_=

Poor Azmi... Happy bday my bitch! hehehe

haha..so anyway i told armin off, and he apologised to me... told him i dont need his apologies... it's not important to me.. im used to his nonsense anyway. He has apologised countless times, and he still somehow manages to be an arse. I guess he is just one. So not much can be done on that side. haha.. Anyway, I told him i think the apologies should go to Pao, Yana and Azmi... i guessed he just doesnt have the balls to make a public apology.. oh well...

Enough about the Clone of Satan. Yana and me went to watch Spain and PARAGUAY's match at Spize the other day. There were these two bimbos, who kept on supporting URUGUAY! At one point, one of the girls even stood up screaming GO URUGUAY! oh my god... it was so embarassing... only at the 84th minute, one of them realised something was amissed. "eh... it's paraguay."

OHMYGOD! so yana and me just started laughing like crazy...

guess who were the girls?

US.

yah.. bimbos right? =_= so macam paham.

hahahaha...anyway, can't wait to see the germany vs spain's match. it's gonna be a great semi-finals match. Germany is gonna beat ass pain ya'all 's asses! WOOHOOO!!!

Anyway... for ALL my friends... new found, old ones, reacquianted etc... I LOVE YOU GUYS MUCH MUCH! =D

when hana goes into depression...

2010-07-02T05:23:00.008+08:00

I miss you very much. Not a day goes by that I don't feel for you. Everyone thinks I talk about him cause I still love him, or that I miss him. That has never been true. He was supposed to be just a nice distraction. A nice distraction turned hell. But I don't really care about his infidelity. Cause I never loved him. It has always been you.

I hate him. I talk about him and how much I hate him all the time because I really do hate him. I broke my promise to you because of him. That's why his misery makes me happy. My misery, the reason you found her, was because I broke my promise. I broke my promise because he came along. And I was weak.

I hope you're happy though... with her... wherever you are.

I've built up a sturdier wall after him, he who never did matter... he who never managed to bring down the wall i put up after you left... The wall I built up cause I didn't want to fall. Cause falling would mean erasing you from my heart...

But... I think I'm falling...

Suddenly, along came an unexpected one... When I sit next to him... I feel you. The closest ever I've felt since you left.

I don't want to fall. My last remaining hope... my belief... my faith... my heart... you took them with you miles and miles away... ='(

get over it fana.

happiness

2010-06-24T13:35:00.002+08:00

i... am... the most... HAPPIEST person in the world!

this is the first time in my life, for so long... that I have practically no worries at all!

I am no longer angry at anyone. Allah is great. He punishes those who do wrong. Alhamdullillah. The spawn of satan got burnt in hell.

I am not worried about work. I will be starting in 4 weeks. =)

I am taking my masters. School is great. =)

I have great friends, and I just made new friends. And I believe it is fated that I met them. These wonderful, beautiful people who never fail to make me smile. =)

My family is great. As always. =)

I am happily single. I am contented. I am satisfied.

And... I can move on now. =)

Well....

2010-06-18T18:14:00.000+08:00

Astrology.com brought to you by iVillage

Hi Nur! Here is your Daily Single's Horoscope for Friday, June 18
Your analysis of a friend's relationship may be exactly right, but do make sure that you're engaging your famous compassion if and when you decide to share. They should get the picture.

the culprit

2010-06-15T12:32:00.004+08:00

I really do not like it when things get blown out of context. I remember clearly.

I do NOT bad mouth pple i do not know personally, unless she does something to me. When i do not know, I will only offer scenarios such as "what if she does this to you, would u want to...? what if she is doing this behind your back? would you want to know? what if this person knows something, would u want this person to tell you instead of you finding out things? do you think you want to wait? what if you get hurt, can you handle that?"

If some people are not smart enough to differentiate between giving scenarios that might or might not exist, and actual gossip, then I cant say much. I can safely say though that I do not know you personally, and I was providing scenarios to complicated relationship problems, which everyone does all the time.

Unless you are really guilty, then you wouldnt have cared. I used to have a neutral opinion veering on the dislike side, but never hate. but now, I really have an issue with you, and the person who has been distorting the truth.

I do not like distorted truth. I stand by what I said. I did not say bad things, but I did offer my opinion on things. E.g. "If she is doing this, most probably this is happening..." It is NOT my personal opinion on a person I do not know per se. It is my opinion on the SITUATION. Please... I have better things to do.

Do NOT get me involve. I merely offer opinion on things when the issue is brought up. I do not happily call up pple and ask,"Hey...so what's happening between u and so and so? what's up with them? u know something? I think she is sleeping with this guy."

HOW WOULD I KNOW?!!!

Some people should really start making use of that thing in their head. God provided it for a reason.

AHAHAHAHAHA

2010-06-15T06:35:00.005+08:00

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohmygod.

i think maybe i should have blogged in malay. probably people can understand better.

Armin, armin.... kali ini, walaupun tidak bersalah, sudah menjadi bahan sasaran tanpa diketahui dirinya sendiri. Kesian teman lelaki lama saya ni... akan saya huraikan cerita yang sebenar, moga-moga, dengan penjelasan ini, akan menenangkan hati-hati yang sungguh tidak tenteram, dan minda yang tidak begitu... tidak elok lah saya mengata orang ye? kita orang melayu, harus pandailah beralas kata.

ye, saya ada seseorang teman lelaki yang bernama muhd armin. saya dengan dia masih berkawan sekarang, walaupun sudah tidak begitu rapat. dia memiliki sebuah kereta. dia selalu menghantar dee dan saya pulang jikalau saya tidak memandu kereta. saya dan armin dirangkumi pelbagai masalah sewaktu kita bersama. Kami membuat keputusan, satu bulan yang lepas, untuk berpisah.

dan ye... namanya memang unik. tetapi ia bukan nama samaran untuk sesiapa.

saya rasa, kini, awak mungkin dapat memahami dengan lebih jelas cerita yang sebenar. cikgu saya pernah berkata, jikalau tidak mengetahui sesuatu, mintalah penjelasan dari seseorang sebelum awak memalukan diri sendiri.

jangan macam faham.

sekian. wassalam.

AHAHAHAHHAHAA

A total waste of time

2010-06-15T02:08:00.003+08:00

Dear Minah,

I do not like to be offensive. I might have my opinions on you. I might share it with my friends. but they are my opinions, and as long as I do not make it public on fb or on my blog, I do not think I am being offensive. It is my opinion, and I reserve the rights to my opinions. However, if you choose to be offensive publicly, I will retaliate publicly. You will not like an educated minah when she does that.

Best regards,
Hana

retaliation? haha

2010-06-14T22:06:00.001+08:00

dear minah,

i dont get what you mean. but it's okay... cause i dont really care either. and i dont go for jantans, i doubt im stealing any from you. i go for men. i'll leave the jantans for you. =)

love,
hana

minah-minah zaman sekarang... and their bad english.

2010-06-14T16:48:00.006+08:00

i came across this girl's blog...

her english......like so ohmygod! hahaha... then again, nowadays, ive been coming across a lot of minahs.

i wonder why they think so highly of themselves, when they cant even use present tense and past tense... not even asking for past perfect or past continuous eh... hahaha...

i mean, it's okay if your english sucks, that's why there are jobs for me, but... save yourself from embarassing the malay community with your sucky english ok? just stick to reading majalah manja and berita harian, and watching suria, rtm1 and rtm3 ok... masyarakat melayu kita dah rosak as it is. with your super horrendous english, you are just confirming what the rest of singapore thinks of us.

and oh, facebook walls! those that are not private and owned by minahs... pure entertainment. haha

i shall define minah again...minah actually refers to malay girls, so by calling someone minah, it's just like saying "malay girl". but who are the minahs im referring to?

minah cetak rompak(pirated). what kind of girls are they? they are cheap girls. uneducated, they wear sexy clothes, cause that's the only way they can be "laku" cause no guys will get turned on by their intelligence.......... cause they have none!

dont get me wrong. i love them! i mean, who else will serve me when i want to order dishes and buy shoes right?

then again, if u wanna be in the retail/customer service line... you need to have good english. what makes you think qatar airways, or even jetstar will accept those who do not know when to use the word "nor."

while on that topic, minah, please go google and find out how to use the word "nor". It is NOT to replace the word "and" and "or"(for "or" in SOME cases, u can replace it with "nor", BUT how this minah was using it was totally wrong.)

and for heaven's sake... the word "coughness" DOES NOT EXIST!!!

for those of u who are craving for entertainment, please pm me and i will pass you the blog add. HAHA.

so again, who are these minah cetak rompak?

1) they think they are hot cause guys are all over them
what they dont know: guys are all over them cause they are cheap and easy to get. and the guys are almost similarly as stupid. smarter guys are just in for the sex. they will not marry these minahs.
2) they think highly of themselves cause guys are all over them.
what they dont know: looks fade, intelligence does not.
3) they think they're high class.
what they dont know: showing off ur breasts in pics or posing in seductive manner and posting them on ur blog or fb is soooooooooo not high class... refer back to point number 1. ure cheap.
4) their lives revolve around drinking and/or clubbing and/or making out and/or having sex
what they dont know: the above activities are NOT the only activities you can do with your bf/the guy you're dating/your husband/your scandal etc.

it's not that we are "tak laku"... we just dont attract the kind of guys you do... you know? the mats, in typical abundance. mats do not care for your intelligence, as long as they can get you in bed... and we all know how easy that is. =)

oh well... i have better things to do.

ok, so what has happened since the last time i blogged.

1) im no longer with SSA! WWWEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! I'm just glad things happened the way it did, cause i had wanted to leave for a long time. But I would probably never had left cause I was procastinating. I was really unhappy. I love my friends, but what was offered, and what was expected, the favouritism and so on... It wasnt a good working environment. I gained the knowledge I needed to be a trainer and developer, but it came to the point where there was nothing more I could gain. Dangling carrots just werent enough anymore.

2) I FINALLY broke up with armin... okay, it was a month plus ago. but yah, i finally did it. too much ah. kasi muka naik kepala (gives too much face, steps on the head - directly translated). from taj to armin, im just glad im single now. ive never been happier. and i can say this with much conviction. ive never been properly single since i was...what? 16..? it's always been from one to another... and i need this break. i really do. and i'm happily single now. like azyan said, "of course lah...from taj to armin... who doesnt need a break?" haha

3) ive got a new job. a better one. i wont talk too much about it cause i dont want to jinx it. but tentatively, i will start next week. alhamdullilah. =)

4) the love of my life, a.k.a. jacob, has a gf. =(. haha.. oh well. we knew it would happen. and i gave in first. so it's alright. as long as i know he's well... i'm happy. if fate has it, we will meet again. if it does not, then the memories i have will be enough. at least it happened once upon a time. =)

5) i'm just happy. i've never been happier in my whole life. =)

okay...it's getting too long... oh well... Congrats to Dayah and Dana! May both of you have blessed marriages! =)

the thinking hana

2010-05-02T07:26:00.002+08:00

i'm in my analysis mode. where i am separating the emotional from the logical. and i'm doing an analysis on my take/experience in relationships for the past few yrs.

with no 1 i was a bitch. like no doubt about it. it was totally my fault. i was 18-20... but still, i was a bitch. i probably traumatised him. and im really sorry about it.

ok then no 2, loved him to death. he was a good travelling partner even though for a good 2 yrs of it, he didnt have a passport. lol. and the loved him to death part might actually come true if i had stayed. he needed anger management counselling or something. BUT it wasnt all that bad, and we did try...and try... and try... and then that was it. i just wanted to do something else with my life. i couldnt wait for him anymore. i had my whole future and i felt that being with him is holding me back. i guess i just needed space, and yes, i got it now, and i'm not regretting the decision at all. i miss the friendship that we had. and come to think of it NOW, the fights werent AT ALL THAT BAD. lol. but really, i still think i made the right decision. i wasnt, and still am not ready to get married. my bad with the engagement thing. sorry...

then came no 3. he went back to brunei. there's nothing much to say, just a series of what ifs and probably would have beens.

and.............................. no 4. ????????????????????????????? yup. that about describes my feelings.

my love life is so dramatic. a series of preks and kena preks and fights and god knows what. i invite disharmony probably. or i am just an attraction for trouble. like a magnet.

this is the part where fergie's big girls dont cry song will start playing in the background of my life. or the song clumsy. also can. hahahaha...

im tired.

faith and happiness only exist in fairytales. a once upon a time story with dragons, wicked stepmothers and sisters, fairy godmothers and prince charming. im no princess with glass slippers. i wear charles & keith. hence no happily ever after. sigh.

blog posts taken down

2010-04-24T11:36:00.002+08:00

i have decided to take down the previous blog posts about taj and arina. in light of the current situation, with my cousin's passing on and all, ive come to realised that it's really not worth my time and effort to diss them off when in actual fact, i dont really care. there are better things out there to care about.

i guess i was reacting to the news quite bitchily cause no 1) i do not like their gang because.... leads us to no 2) used to be super close to them. muntah together berak together skip sch together play dikir barat together. and thanks to a certain member of the group and arina's ex fiance, i just couldnt tahan, and left. 3) pple just dont go around jilat your friend's nye ludah even though it's ur ex friend.

then again, everyone meets everyone for a reason. it's jodoh. maybe the reason taj met me, was so that whatever happened between us will lead him to arina. and i met taj for a reason too. i am still trying to figure out, but i guess i must have learnt something.

so yes, i left taj for a reason only God can fully understand. and i remembered it ended quite amicably. neither of us had any other pple. it wasnt because he cheated on me, and i cheated on him. it was just 3 yrs of small mistakes, maybe?

how did it get bad? cause his reaction to me asking to break off the engagement and dating around was annoying. yes taj... "interesting how some people react to news..." but i guess i dont blame him. we were together for 3 yrs. i should have waned him off me a little gentler.

he wasnt all that bad (except for when he is angry and reacts so not coolly and hits out). we were just not meant to be.

i can safely say i have lost all the love for taj that i used to have. i know i had alot of anger towards him. like why did i waste 3 yrs on him. but goes back to the point of fate.

we're all adults. so some basic respect should be observed i guess. if ever he were to die, or arina, for that matter, i would still pay my respects to them as fellow human beings and most importantly, people i used to share a part of my life with, in good and bad times, and helped in shaping me the way i am now.

sometimes, it takes major things to happen to realise that the things you initially thought were major, actually werent. Al-fatihah to my cousin, Masruroh Binte Musa, who passed away at the age of 25, leaving behind her loving husband and son. Now, that's major. A great woman, who was always patient, always smiling and never had any enemies. A good daughter, a good wife, a good mother, a good cousin, im sure a good friend, and most importantly, she was a good Muslim.

The people who left before their time:
Muhammad Irfaan Bin Saemon, my brother, always in loving memory, passed away on 2nd December 2000, at the age of 6
Muhammad Hafiz Bin Abdul Jalil, my cousin, who grew up together with me and lived just a few floors above me, passed away in May 2006, at the age of 20. (19 actually, it was just a few days before his bday)
and now,
Masruroh Binte Musa, 23rd April 2010, at the age of 25

We never know when it's time to go. When He decides that it's time, it's time. Ready or not, it doesnt matter.

But whatever it is, we all were lucky enough to have known our late grandparents, who passed away in April and June 2007. And not to forget our grand uncles, Arwah Yayi Jo and Arwah Yayi Min. To all my cousins, and family memberes, who are reading this, let's always hold them in our memories. Do not be too sad, for they are in a better place, InsyaAllah. Amin.

living...dead...bitch

2010-04-16T04:01:00.000+08:00

you know that feeling? that you're alive... but dead. it's like... you can feel. it hurts and all. but then... you'll go like, "oh well... it's the same. day in day out." then you will wonder, is it even worth living? since you're already dead inside.

i came up with this blog... livingdeadbitch.blogspot.com, because at that time, i was going through loads of shit problems... it was 2004, i was 18 then... looking back, i realised something... people come in and out of your life. u meet different people all the time, or the same ones whom you have not spoken to in a long time, and they too, are bound to change.

but even with different people, or same people with different attitudes, at different places, in different environments, in different situations, at different times... the problems remain the same. they will never go away.

but the reason i'm still here, and not 6 feet under (alhamdullilah) is because of faith. i have faith, that no matter how f. up my life is, whenever, wherever, one day, it will all be good. probably i'll be around different ppl, or the ppl who are the same have changed..maybe at a different place, hopefully in a different country, in different environments and situations... i have faith... if not next week, if not next month or next yr or next decade even, one day... it will be good. anything before that is a challenge, a test.

i'm still standing strong, dead, but alive.

back to school

2010-04-09T13:29:00.002+08:00

back to school!!!

went to kaplan yesterday for the orientation. I cant believe im going back to school. graduating, insyaAllah, in March 2012.

so let's hope it's before 16 March 2012. Just like my graduation for my degree which was on 15th March 2010. Just one day before my 24th bday. LOL.

let's get this over and done with! 2 yrs of suffering, here we go!

i have not updated my blog since forever...

2010-04-05T04:56:00.003+08:00

it has been a long time. so much had happened... so much to tell... too much.

it has been crazy... since the last time i posted something till now. really crazy. i wish i could blog everything, and just pour out my feelings without any worries or fear. but there are just too many pple reading this, and there are some things i wouldnt want some pple to know. haha.

well, a summary at least. what happened to brunei boy? did i ditch him for someone else?

ok, on my part, this might sound defensive, but me and jacob no. 1 (from now onwards shall be referred to as edward) had never been officially together, since we both knew he was gonna leave and we made an agreement to see how far it will go. an LDR. obviously it didnt work out. we didnt end on a bad note or anything. it just ended. like that. he disappeared. i waited. and waited. and waited. then nothing. so i moved on.. then he reappeared out of the blue to wish me happy bday. and disappeared again.

i had a feeling that this would happen, but i just so didnt want it to be that way. and i guess i was in denial for a good part of november to january. but again, we were never attached, and we had discussed about it, and we knew the possibility of this happening, that one of us will find someone else is high.

it's sad. but it was good while it lasted. and i learnt a lot from him. and i am so grateful that even though it lasted for only awhile, it did happened. and that is the story of jacob turned edward and bella. and now for the new jacob and bella.

everything happens for a reason, and the people we meet along the way are also part of that reason.

6 yrs later... the story continues... this time, it's my turn to give back to make up for all that i have taken... and for as long as i can. that much i can promise. i met him (again) after so long just as edward was leaving. what an irony.

being around him occupied my time. and i think vice versa. he slowly filled up the gaping hole that was there when edward left. and after 3 months, the hole has been filled up almost full. almost.

i am applying whatever i have learnt for the past few years now. and i guess, more often than not, although it can be quite difficult sometimes, it is good. im happy with how things are.

but this time around, im pushing the ball into his court. it's my turn to give. i will do it, or die trying. no matter what. till he says it's not needed anymore. then, i'll go my way.

for now... im happy with my life. =)

oh. and LONDON WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Moon - Version 1.2 haha

2010-02-22T04:30:00.002+08:00

what if who bella thought was jacob is actually edward? and that jacob just re-entered bella's life. and now that edward is gone in some other country, and jacob is back in her life, bella is getting closer and closer to jacob.

In Twilight, Bella moves to her father's home in Forks, Washington, meets the mysterious Cullen family, and falls in love with Edward Cullen. She met Jacob Black, someone from her past, who is a longtime family friend.

In New Moon, Edward left Bella and Jacob came and pulled Bella out of her misery. Jacob made Bella feel complete again.

So now, the story is, Bella has started developing feelings for Jacob. She knows it's almost impossible to be with Edward because the possibility of Edward ever coming back is almost zero. Falling in love with Jacob means falling for her best friend. And what if Edward comes back?

For now, Bella is enjoying every moment with Jacob.

(i'm making my own twilight series. ahahahah)

sebenarnya diriku masih mengharapkanmu....

2010-02-15T17:32:00.002+08:00

Menjaga Hati - Yovie & Nuno

Masih tertinggal bayanganmu
Yang telah membekas di relung hatiku
Hujan tanpa henti seolah pertanda
Cinta tak di sini lagi
Kau tlah berpaling

Biarkan aku menjaga perasaan ini, ohh
Menjaga segenap cinta yang telah kau beri
Engkau pergi, aku takkan pergi
Kau menjauh, aku takkan jauh
Sebenarnya diriku masih mengharapkanmu

Masih adakah cahaya rindumu
Yang dulu selalu cerminkan hatimu
Aku takkan bisa menghapus dirimu
Meski ku lihat kini
Kau di seberang sana

Andai akhirnya
Kau tak juga kembali
Aku tetap sendiri
Menjaga hati

Sejujurnya diriku masih mengharapkanmu

bella misses jacob

2010-02-14T13:42:00.003+08:00

“ Do you miss him at the most happy and fulfilling times of your life? Just because you miss him when the world is quiet and you feel alone doesn’t mean you love him. You will miss anyone when you’re lonely. It’s when your life is going great and you still feel that ache in your heart because he isn’t there to see the genuine smile on your face and happiness in your life. "

reblogged via http://idareyoutoclickthis.tumblr.com/post/387510183/do-you-miss-him-at-the-most-happy-and-fulfilling

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines outta your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.

reblogged via http://melizzow.tumblr.com/post/388235231/in-my-opinion-the-best-thing-you-can-do-is-find-a?ref=nf

it's valentine's day... and i'm supposed to send something over... but i just didn't have the time to finish it. i realised that i have actually been enjoying myself the past one month plus. i'm not miserable. I miss you, but i'm not miserable.

but sometimes, it hits me at the worst moment. when i am enjoying myself, when i am having a good time... when i thought your shadows are as far away as you are.. 690 miles... you will suddenly pop into my head (and heart).

i cant see beyond you, even though u are far away. i love you the same. i wish you knew, i wish you realised how much you matter to me.

i wish i mattered as much. but apparently not. i dont know. maybe i am assuming. you did tell me you have been busy and international calls are expensive. so okay...

tell me then, should i move on? or should i wait?

i will still love you nonetheless, and you will always be part of my life regardless. whenever you're in singapore, you can call me up anytime and we'll go double mc-spicy-ing at west coast or jurong... and kfc-ing at your favourite jurong kfc..... then we'll go around singapore and get lost over and over again. =)

but as friends this time around.

it has only been a mth and 4 days since u went away, but it feels like forever. however, as forever as it feels, my feelings for you have never wavered.

i miss you whenever i am lonely. i miss you whenever i am having fun. i miss you so much it hurts.

bella still (hearts) jacob very much

for all of you... yes you... thank you

2010-02-01T14:29:00.008+08:00

This is for everyone who knows me personally. People who have been in and out of my life. Those who are still in. Those whom we spent time together for awhile and separated. For those who i was close to, am still close to. Those who I am still talking to, and those who I have not spoken to in a long time. Good ties, bad blood.

From Nur Kindergarten, to Bedok West Primary, to Tanjong Katong Girls', to Tampines Junior College, to Ngee Ann Poly, to Stansfield College... From Healthwise, to Acropolis, to Learning Horizon, to Coleman College, to SSA Consulting Group. And while in SSA, for those I met in HTA, CDC, Changi Prison etc...

For the girls and guys I met through dikir barat... From TKGS school team (TFAdiratna, Cenderawasih) to Jala Sutera to Wahana Deksu...

For the guys whom I was such a bitch to, and for the guys who broke my heart. For the guys who are still my friends in spite of what I did to you... For the guy who stole my heart and brought it some 690 miles away...

For my dear friends who stayed by me through thick and thin, and during the times i needed you guys the most...

For my family, both maternal and paternal, whom I can never live without...

Those from the past and the present...

To all of you have contributed to my future. Thank you.

I saw this quote from Haida...

"and He made us meet so we would learn from each other what we otherwise would not have."

Yuan Fen, Jodoh, Fate. Meeting each other is pre-ordained. Whether we are still in contact, or we have lost touch, somewhere along the lines that we were together, even if it was just for a day or for 20 years, we have learnt something from each other.

We left a mark that can never be erased. You guys made me the way I am.

Some might say it turned me cynical and bitter. I'd say it made me more careful. Whatever it is, it is all good.

Be happy with who you are, and everything will look so much better.

For example, I can sit here and complain that all men suck big time. But i don't think so. The guys I've been with... fate brought us together. Fate tore us apart. But there was a reason why we met. I don't know the reason, but I accept it as part of my destiny. People whom i have met on the journey to the end..

I am satisfied with my life. And it is thanks to all of you. You made me the way I am. Everyone of you. And it makes me happy that I've made a mark in your life somehow or other, in a good or bad way.

"Education is life in itself." and you guys are my life... Thank you. =)

let it be...

2010-01-26T19:05:00.002+08:00

im sitting here... in my training room... using my new mifi... and thinking. and thinking. and thinking. i can rant and rave, i can choose to be depressed. i can choose to be sad.

or i can choose to let it be.

and after much thought, i realised... what the hell right... it's not the end of the world. and ive been through so much more than this. i have so many other things to look forward to. there will be others.

and everything has already been written... its destiny. its fate. i wish things were different. but they are the way they are for some reason. so now, as much as it breaks my heart...

moving along... =)

profanities at its best.

2010-01-25T22:54:00.002+08:00

FUCK IT. fuck it damn it. fuck fuck fuck. yah shut it. i just want to rant and rave. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK LAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i hate this.

what do i hate? u know i know. I HATE THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! IT SUCKS AND ITS FUCKED UP.

just shut your crap and let me release all this anger. cause im trying MY BEST not to do anything stupid. my 2010 new year's resolution is wavering. KL is calling out to me. if not KL, clarke quay is. haha... noooooooo...

*hana has gone mad. period.*

i dont even know who this post is aimed at. LOL

overwhelmed by darkness

2010-01-21T01:17:00.003+08:00

ohmygod... i just received this in my email.. so freakishly true...

***
Hi Nur! Here is your Daily Couple's Horoscope for Thursday, January 21

If you're uncertain about what's going on with your certain someone -- or with a certain aspect of your relationship -- why not proactively try to get to the bottom of it? An honest discussion will help.

***
I am uncertain about a lot of things with my certain someone... but to "proactively try to get to the bottom of it"? when i know that right from the beginning, it has never been certain. right from the beginning, i knew i was entering a dark tunnel that might have pit holes everywhere, and that i might never see the light at the end of the tunnel ever again. and yet, without much coaxing, we walked into the darkness together...

and now... what? has he found a way out and left me all alone grappling in the dark by myself? or is he still with me in the dark? the light at the end of the tunnel wasnt a light... it was a firefly. and it died.

im in darkness again.

and yet... i'm not willing to wave the white flag and call for help. i rather be in the darkness, than give up.

if i survived being hit straight on by a bus, and be where i am today, i can definitely do this. im strong enough. i can never live with myself if i never try.

im so emotional and dramatic, i should write a book. hahaha... maybe my time of the mth is coming... though actually there's still a week to it. hahaha..

cant wait to start school again... an objective to keep my mind off stuff... from march onwards, life will be so much better. just nice. as i turn 24..

london, start of new sch term, brunei tentatively (really depends on only one thing: whether we will still be in contact with each other by then) and so on so forth. march... come faster.. =)

when you miss having arms around you...

2010-01-20T01:21:00.003+08:00

when im alone, sometimes i will start thinking about the past...

for 3 whole years, i had that person to hold me up. taj wasnt all that bad... erm.. he has his good points. which was why i really did love him. alot. like really alot. i think if he didnt do what he did when i was in china, i would have still tried to be with him.

but whatever. no point thinking about it. it has happened. and i knw he left teledirect. could see in his fb profile even though he totally blocked me for whatever reasons unknown to me. and he still owes me my psp. but nvm.........

the point is, throughout the whole 3 years, i had someone to fall back on. even though he has this inate ability to irritate me, however, the good times were really good too. that was why, throughout the whole 3 years, i never did once have another guy. i was actually fiercely loyal. yah, i do make passing remarks about hot guys and all. but that was that.

even when we didnt meet, i knew that he was there. i had someone to call and complain things to. we had m1 to m1 free calls. hahaha.. i had someone to have dinner with. at simpang. haha and to do dis and dat with. TO WATCH MOVIES WITH! hahaha..

now im in love with someone so far away. den what? seriously, WHAT? it has only been 9 days. it feels like 9 mths.

im driving myself crazy... cause i know, no matter how lonely and in need of a companion i feel, i just cant bring myself to detach him from my life.

Pple: he is in brunei. do watever u wanna do. he wont know.
me: no. i cantttt... syg... and plus i believe in karma. dont do to others what u dont want others to do to you.
pple: what if HE does it to u?
me: den it will fall back to him right? but its okay...cause promises were never made... and yah... its a "who-can-last-longest-w/o-someone thing"

and looking at what i said... i think the probability of it being me who gives up first is higher.. but of coz i will try my best. if i dont give it my best, i wont know the real results. if i dont try, i wont know. i will try.

he's too good to be given up.

unless sultan of brunei comes along. LOL

bella survived the week + weekend without jacob

2010-01-18T00:31:00.003+08:00

i survived! the whole week and the weekend! i survived! it gets easier as time passes i supposed... nonetheless, still am missing you like crazy..

i guess, this is God's way of making it easier for me. alhamdullillah. the Almighty will never give you a test that you arent able to endure.. and maybe, if i wasnt so occupied, i would have gotten super depressed.. but i didnt have time to get depressed.

there werent chances for me to go astray either.. but i was surrounded by my beautiful friends and family, and each day of the weekend was spent with pple from different walks of life. and just having them around made me feel so much better.

i still wish you are here though. (this is so like bella writing emails to edward and alice, but message not sent because edward totally cut bella off her life). we dont get to talk to each other often.. i dont see you at all. no webcam nothing.

maybe you are moving on, where you belong... you'll do fine without me, and me without you. but i dont want to be without you. cause you are one of a kind. hard to come by. should you decide it's not the same for you, i would understand... i'll move on from there.

(hearts) u so so sooooooooo much. missing you like crazy... 18 weeks to see you again... let it come faster.

Berserah... Holding on...

2010-01-14T23:34:00.003+08:00

Gerhana meliputi segala
Tiada lagi sinaran cahaya
Keinginan tanpa kepastian
Tak mampu rasanya ku teruskan
Ku meneruskan...

Biarlah ku relakan segala
Walau hidupku sebuah tanda tanya
Mengapa...
Biarpun tak mampuku bertahan
Tak akan pernahku akui kalah

Masih terdampar ku disini
Tiada jalan mungkinku lalui
Harusnya hidupku dipersenda
Mengharungi dugaan melanda
Ku berserah...

Biarlah ku relakan segala
Walau hidupku sebuah tanda tanya
Mengapa...
Biarpun tak mampuku bertahan
Tak akan pernahku akui kalah

Tuhanku ku relakan segala
Takkan pernahku akui kalah
Percayaku yakin padanya
Dia yang menentukan semua
Ku berserah...

^English version...

My world is closing in I'm so alone
The door is locked and nobody's home
Desire is the key that I must own
Emotions get me losing control
I'm losing control

But I know
It's the way that I must live
Even though
It's so unclear, so unfair
God I know
There's a path for everyone
I must believe and keep holding on

I'm wishing I was somebody else
This world left me all by myself
Now why do they keep playing with my mind
Trying to break me down trying to make me blind
But I see

Cuz I know
It's the way that I must live
Even though
It's so unclear, so unfair
God I know
There's a path for everyone
I must believe and keep holding on

God I know
There's a path for everyone
I must believe and keep holding on

Never let my fears conquer me
Cuz I know in my heart what I can be
Holding on

of green tea, snickers, pimples and missing you like crazy

2010-01-14T02:17:00.005+08:00

today was an eventful day. i received what i wanted and what i didnt actually deserve, being a primadonna and all, at work. alhamdullillah. this is a sort of motivation. LOL.

then i was upset over something. really upset. i think i wasted god-knows-how-many smses being upset and complaining to nad, azyan, azny and noor. and another 2 smses sent over to brunei, plus 7 smses to sg card in brunei. that was how upset i was.

i wish he's here. he shines like the sun. and everytime i see him i just have to smile. from the first day we met, till the day we part. no matter how upset i was, i knew i had him to make me smile. life was so much better. i miss him.

i miss the stop by 7-11 "u nak aper? i tau, lemon tea kan." and appearing with a bottle of green tea and lemon tea. i miss the innocent snickers face. me: "snickers? again? u makan snickers malam2 buta? kater nak diet! beruang betol lah u." him: "hehhhhh." *cute face*. eeee, so geram.

i miss the gosok-gosok muker using dirty hands and me giving a look and saying:"gosok! gosok muker u lagi." the next day, he:"uuuu...i ader pimple on my nose." LOL.

i miss HIM giving me a look when i bite my nails, or when my shirt is too short, or my pants are too low, and how he will pull my shirt down whenever i sit. i miss his "falsafah". i miss his "kening jantan."

i miss his bear hugs. i miss the kisses on the forehead. i miss kissing his hands.

i miss him so much, it hurts.

baby... when are you coming back... i miss you like crazy. it has only been 3 days...

126 days... wait for me. (hearts) u

falsafah hidup - family first

2010-01-13T02:07:00.002+08:00

i am going to blog this in malay and probably some english since my malay sucks balls. haha...

i am just frustrated at how pelokek haram some people are. I love my grandparents very much. I had two sets. my paternal grandparents passed away in 2007. even though we werent close cause i have a lot of cousins, at least i did try to make a huge effort to be there for my atok wahid during his last moments, especially during the time he was hospitalised. i came EVERYDAY and took care of him till the wee hours of the morning until i got hit by the blardy bus, and was in hospital myself.

i am not bragging about it though, cause its my responsiblity as a grand daughter. furthermore, i have never been that close, and it's only right that i do it.

i am closer to my maternal grandparents, cause i am the first grand daughter, hence am so manja and everything. the minute i got my first paycheque back when i was 21, i gave my grandparents some money and when i was 22 and finally working full-time, i brought my grandparents, and even my aunt and cousins who are living with them for lunch. it cost me a few hundred bucks and i'm not even earning THAT much okay.

when i was better off working in Coleman (SSA is also stingy), i bought for my grandmum stuff every mth, and i never forget my grandparents wherever i go.

and no matter how BROKE i am, i will make sure i give them money during Aidilfitri and Aidiladha. even as little as 20 bucks each. i wont ever give 10 bucks (budak2 ke pe kasi 10 dollars.)

i can understand if someone earns like 1k-2k a mth, ader anak bini nak tanggung... enuff said.

duit tak akan dibawa mati. duit tak akan masok kubur. sememang-memangnya duit itu penting, tetapi ia semua rezeki yang dikurnia kan Allah. dalam hidup seseorang manusia, kita perlukan berkat. dan doa-doa dari orang tua itu lah yang amat mustahak. itu lah berkat yang akan menolong kita di jalan hidup.

and always place family first. your family members will be the ones reading al-fatihah when you are wrapped in your burial shroud. yes, your friends will be there, but family will be the one cleaning your burial ground. family will the one collecting your remains. kalau penting orang luar daripada keluarga sendiri, just look and see what will happen to you.

i thank god that my paternal side family members are very close to each other and i look forward to family gatherings all the time. my maternal side, im quite disappointed, but im still close to my grandparents and i know my grandmom has been constantly praying for me. i owe her so much. i love my nenek very much.

so for those who are wondering "aper sak farhanah?" "what got into her?" hahaha.. just take it as randon thoughts.

quoted from the movie, click, "...family first..."

Masters + London + Brunei/Miri VS Laptop + Iphone

2010-01-13T00:01:00.002+08:00

I have decided to forego my want (it's not a dream), of getting a new phone... or iphone in particular... and a new laptop. i dont really want a new phone. i would like one with wifi, but its okay if i dont have one. but ive been wanting a new laptop for a few mths now. those small mini ones u knw.

but then again, its not a need. so i shall forego my wants for my needs.

I need to get my Masters ASAP. So that i can move from SG to somewhere else. anywhere else but sg. dats 24k. London is expensive. but its my convocation. it's not compulsory, but i worked hard for it, and i want to wear my graduation gown. and i have to go to brunei to see him. even if he is attached by then, wallahualam, hopefully not insyaallah, i will need to see him once.

so the first 6 mths of 2010 = poor, broke farhanah.

most importantly is, i must get my ass up and start going back to school. i have to start, if not i will never move past this procrastination. i wonder why my dad refuses to pay for my school fees anymore. its quite sad, cause i dont think he would mind paying for my brother. sexist.

its okay, im used to it. ive been paying for myself for quite awhile now. debt-ridden, but its my own money. so yes... bye-bye iphone, bye-bye laptop. sobs.

but HELLO LONDON, HELLO MIRI, HELLO BRUNEI!!!!!!!!!! and most importantly, HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! I MISS YOU GILERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! and im seeing u, as of now, 12.16a.m, 13 jan 2010, in 127 days!!!

i miss you i mss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you gilerrrrrrrr. =)

2nd day without you.

2010-01-12T14:00:00.005+08:00

it's tuesday. 2nd day without you.

i miss you so much. and we cant even chat that much cause you cant get online. i dont feel alone, cause i know you're there. even though 690 miles away. and you bother to call me every night. i syg u so much for that...

and today would be the day we meet up... every tues, thurs, fri, sat.. our days. haha.. this is the first tuesday without you. raser sebak sungguh mendalam. =(

it's 128 days before i get to see you again. i dont care that i have to travel alone. the miles, the money is worth it just to see you. i akan rempuh hutan and berenang across the sea just to be with you.

i dont care what others are saying. you're worth waiting for. you're worth the trouble.

and if it doesnt work out, at least we tried. i miss you so much.

(hearts) u

128 days.

light at the end of the tunnel

2010-01-11T02:56:00.002+08:00

for 6 weeks we were walking around blindly. "tergapai-gapai dalam kegelapan." i couldn't see what's infront... it was dark and we followed our hearts and our instincts.

we reached this point. the point i was dreading eversince ive got to know you.

i cried when the song came about cause i just couldnt bear the thought of being away from you. i felt like it was over.

then... you called. 690 miles. you called. you actually bothered to call me just to tell me what you told me. i was so happy you called, i was going to cry. i didnt, but i was screaming like a mad idiot in the toilet. thank god i didnt wake my poor brother up. he has to go to the fire station at 7am. LOL.

anyway, that one phone call opened my eyes. you bothered to call.

yes maybe cause it's only the first day you're away, but its a start right. and i see a small flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.

it could be 2 things... 1) really light at the end of the tunnel. we can finally emerge into a bright future. OR 2) it's just a bulb. and we r still stuck in the tunnel.

either ways, i am moving towards the light. you're worth the wait, you're worth the trouble. so i shall wait.

may 22........ =)

I'll be there for you, whenever, wherever...

2010-01-10T15:06:00.002+08:00

I'll be there for you... regardless... whenever, wherever... even though you're 690 miles away... I'm waiting for you... Please come back soon...

You and I must make a pact
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love
I'll be there
I'll reach out my hand to you
I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name
And I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you
Build my world of dreams around you
I'm so glad I found you yeah
I'll be there with a love so strong
I'll be your strength
You know I'll keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well it's all I'm after
Whenever you need me
I'll be there
I'll be there to protect you
With an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name
And I'll be there

Chorus:
I'll be there to comfort you
Build my world of dreams around you
You know I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love so strong
I'll be your strength
You know I'll keep holding on

See, if you should ever find someone new
I know she better be good to you
'Cause if she doesn't then
I'll be there

Don't you know baby yeah yeah
I'll be there
I'll be there
Just call my name and
I'll be there

I'll be there, baby
You know I'll be there
Just call my name and
I'll be there
Just look over your shoulder
Just call my name and
I'll be there

690 miles away...

10 jan 2010 - The day.

2010-01-10T07:13:00.003+08:00

The day has come... the last moments... i couldn't bear to say goodbye... its 7.14 am now, i'm still wide awake. 12 hours from now... you'll be at the airport. 14 hours from now you'll be boarding the plane... 16 hours from now you'll be in landing in brunei...

i didnt know what to say... for once, i was at loss for words... and the tears just came. i can't believe you're going... i don't even know what more to blog about now...

the song, januari, came just at that time... i'm sorry... i didn't want to cry... you kept on telling me not to be too sad... but it's difficult. i feel the loss...

"kasihku...sampai disini kisah kita... jangan tangisi keadaannya...... kisah kita berakhir di januari..." (januari)
"Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi... membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati... derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir... hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku" (hanya kau yang mampu)
"...kau telah sandarkan kasih sayang kamu, begitu dalam... sungguh ku tak sanggup ini terjadi kerna ku sangat cinta... inilah saat terkahir ku melihat kamu... jatuh airmataku, menangis pilu... hanya mampu ku ucapkan, slamat jalan kasih..." (saat terakhir )
"Didalam sebuah cinta terdapat bahasa yang mengalun indah... mengisi jiwa, merindukan kisah kita berdua... yang tak pernah bisa akan terlupa..." (menunggumu)
"If I could, then I would... I'll go wherever you will go... Way up high or down low... I'll go wherever you will go..." (wherever you will go)
"If you should ever find someone new, I know she'd better be good to you... 'Cause if she doesn't, I'll be there..." (I'll be there)

I think i rather take lyrics from songs to explain what i feel... when i get over my shock, this shock, i'll blog again. I just can't think right now...

what we have is so beautiful... i can't believe you are leaving...

i love you...

=(

2010-01-08T04:51:00.002+08:00

i'm going to miss you... 2 days... i can't breathe.

if we love somebody (else) could we be this strong?

sigh.

i miss you.

3 days to the demise of farhanah

2010-01-06T03:46:00.003+08:00

okay... that sounds to dramatic. i'm not going to kill myself, don't worry.

but there are only 3 days left. i met you just now, and i just couldn't let you go. i wish i could hold you... now and forever...

reading xiaxue's blog, gave me a little hope... but i'm not selfish. when you return to that place 690 miles away, and should you find someone... i would understand. i won't hate you. sad, probably... okay, super extremely sad. depressed for a few months maybe. but i will still love you.

and i will wait. for 3rd december. whether you are attached or not. i will wait till that day for you to tell me to no longer wait for you, and then i will let you go.

that's how much you mean to me. and that's how much i love you.

to me, you're perfect. *hearts* you so much...

it's okay... but actually, i'm dying inside

2010-01-05T01:47:00.002+08:00

whenever i see you, i smile. cause there is nothing about you that can ever make me frown. i said it's okay... but i was crying inside.

and as i am typing this at almost 2am in the morning, im crying... for the first time in 6 months. the tears i held back for so long, they are finally flowing... that's how much you mean to me. that's how much i really love you.

they say happiness is shortlived. it really is.

we cant promise each other cause promises are meant to be broken. cause 690 miles away is really far.

i thought i would cry only when the time comes... but... it really hurts...

i told you i love you like ive never felt this way before, and you told me you feel the same way. then you said, but it might be different when we're so far apart... pple's hearts change... feelings change...

and i felt so fucked up. i deleted the message. i cant bear to read it. not because i'm angry with you for saying it. but because i know it's true.

i'm crying now for the love im going to lose. and if it were to end, i wish you all the best... and even if you become someone else's bear (it blardy hell hurts like crazy to say this)... and i become someone else's parrot. i will still love you... just that things would be different... we would be friends. just that. friends. like how we intended it to be in the first place. we would still see each other every end of the year or whenever you come down here... and my dear, that time will be reserved, especially for you.

bella married edward, and jacob imprinted on renesmee... bella and jacob didnt end up together, but right through the end, they love each other. if our fate were to be like that... please know that you always have a special place in my heart... you'll always be my bear... my Jacob...

long-distance...

2010-01-04T22:49:00.005+08:00

"Hi Nur! Here is your Daily Couple's Horoscope for Tuesday, January 5

Wherever you go, your sweetheart is there too. It's awfully nice to know you have support no matter what. In this case, your destination is so worthy that your beloved is automatically on board."

Am i supposed to feel any better? Cause I'm not.

Reality freaking sucks! C'mon... can someone give a percentage of the long distance relationships that actually worked out? Long distance relationships VERY RARELY work out. and even so, most of them are actually from the SAME place.

omg. it took me like a week after leaving China to break up with taj who i was engaged to, though not happily most times. then again, i have never loved anyone like how i love the boy now.

We can say, we can try. but how long can we hold on. the loneliness will set in. knowing me, im gonna get bored that i dont have a bf to go to movies with and sit by the beach, and talk to on the phone, and when i see all my friends with bfs, im gonna get damn depressed.

but i love him so much, and im so crazy over him, i have a feeling that i can actually wait. but he's like really young. when i was starting school, i dated so many pple. but now, ive reached a point in my life where it's no longer that much fun anymore to have so many guys. i dont actually want to marry or whatever yet, but u know, just be with that one person i could love with all my heart. and move from there.

im at that stage of my life. he needs at at least 3 more years to be at that stage? i dont know. all i know is how strongly i feel for him.

i just wish he wouldnt leave. i just wish he would stay. or at least... come back soon.

every 6 mths doesnt sound too bad. 6 mths will pass without us even realising it... but 6 mths is also long enough for me or him to feel lonely and seek companionship in someone else.

oh dear. this is so painful to be even be discussed.

Dear God,

I'm praying for you to give me the strength to go through this. I know you wont give us any test that we aren't able to endure. The test might stretch us to our limits, but it's nothing that we cant go through. Please, make it less painful though. I love him so much.

You brought us together, and now you're separating us. Please show me the reason for all this pain. Is it patience that you want me to learn? Or it is to avenge for what i've done for other pple? Is this the "siksa dunia" or life torture that u want me to go through for the bad things i've done?

I am willing to endure the pain. And i'm prepared for the outcomes. Such as him having another gerl. Just give me the strength to go through it please. Thank you.

Yours sincerely,
Farhanah

everything is possible

2010-01-04T01:57:00.002+08:00

i have been emo-ing the past 4 hours or so... and then i received an email from this astrology website... i mean i know as a Muslim, we shouldnt believe in all this... it's shirik.. (correct spelling? no?)

i just love reading it, doesnt mean i believe in it. but this one touches the core of my heart somehow and hits me right where it hurts the most.

"Hi Nur! Here is your Daily Single's Horoscope for Monday, January 4

Sighing over the one that got away? There's no need. They show up in your life as if by accident. You know the old saying -- there are no accidents. Suddenly the timing is right and everything is possible."

Like.. WOW. I've been sighing and sighing about the fact that he is going away. and im only gonna get to see him once, twice if im lucky, before he leaves... but this came up.. and yah.. there are no such thing as accidents. they are all fated to be the way they are.

i met him cause it was fated to be that way. that i fell in love with him, when i was so confident i was not going to, was also fate... everything is possible.

its possible to be in love 690 miles away. =)

reality...

2010-01-03T22:02:00.002+08:00

reality came knocking yesterday...

i'm back in this small hellhole, also known as singapore. i hate the end of fun holidays. even though the person i wanted to be with the most wasnt there, noor made up for it. she was my lesbian partner and partner in crime. hahahaha.. and we had fun walking around underwear-less at 3am in the morning looking for food. LOL.

New Year was great, although i dont remember half of it. haha.. to be told and not to be blogged. hahaha... he told me i called him, but i really dont remember doing that. haha..

but there was one reason i couldnt wait to go back to singapore for - i wanted to see him. it had been a week since we last met, and our time together has only one week left. by this time, next Sunday, he'll be 690 miles away. and i will be depressed.

i missed him so much while i was there. so so soooo much. and im missing him now. i miss him the minute we say goodbye. i miss him all the time. and im going to be super heartbroken when he's gone.

have you ever met a person you thought "perfect." and not just because he or she is physically attractive to you, or just because emotionally, you guys have a connection and have a lot of fun together, or just because spiritually he or she is good, or academically you guys agree on education and work.

i used to have guys with 2/4 of the mentioned attributes... the best probably 3/4. i used to say if i can have all manazil's positive qualities plus taj's positive qualities, i will have the perfect man. 4/4. i thought such guys were non-existent. apparently, they do exist. and i met one.

and next week, he will be 690 miles away. yes...there is an airport and i dont have to trek through jungles. but there arent any budget airlines that fly to that country okay... so expensive, you can bathe in gold. haha.

but that's besides the point. the point is, i love him, i dont think i can breathe when he is gone.

this innocence is perfect... please don't go away.

ineffable... tak mampu diungkapkan

2009-12-29T00:33:00.003+08:00

i can go all poetic about this, either bersajak or in iambic pentameters or shakespearen or whatever. But i'm just going all Hana.

I shall now declare to the world that... YES! I AM IN LOVE! SOOOO in love. yes, LOVE. not infatuation or crush or whatever. diss me all you want. but i dare say that i love him.

it disappoints me to no end that he can't go to KL with me tomorrow. everything has been planned, paid for, booked etc. and as i am typing this, im tearing.

but, inspite of the disappointment and all that, i actually feel good. and you know why i feel good? cause i know what i did was the right thing to do. and i know that him staying here where he is needed is the right thing to do. and i really felt bad that HE felt bad that he couldnt go. it actually hurt me more that he felt bad than he actually not being able to go.

when you put his need above yours. when one mth of planning goes down the drain, but u didnt whine as much as you normally would have, when you feel better just knowing that he feels better... and, the most amazing thing was, you didnt use sarcasm to get your way at all. WOW. (seriously amazes me. really. sarcasm is my best weapon and yet with him, all my best, tried and tested weapons disappeared. ive been disarmed. jacob disarmed bella. )

so ladies and gentlemen, THAT'S how i know i love this boy THAT much. and that's how i verify that my feelings for him is true. not just an infatuation.

and yes, the reason why ive been so emoshit the past few weeks it's because he's leaving spore. like NOT on a holiday (i wish). NOT even on study trip for 2 or 3 years. he is going back home. and home for him is NOT singapore. he's leaving in 12 days...

a high probability that in 12 days, it would be the end of the journey of bella, the parrot and jacob, the bear. or it could be a whole new beginning. (oh dear, im tearing up again.).

never in my life have i acted in the manner ive been around him. puke all you want, but this boy, who is 2 years younger (2 yrs 7 mths 14 days younger to be exact. yah do your math, calculate his bdae and find him on fb. so kpo u pple) and 2 mths and 1 day older than my baby brother, makes me feel all squishy mushy... ineffable... inside.

he is my love story. he is my New Moon.

he is jacob. why jacob? i was looking for a friend and nothing more. i found a friend, and i fell in love with him. and jacob, being jacob... is bella's saviour.

i was so confused, what's with having just broken off an engagement and having another guy who so badly wants to marry yet i cant swallow the idea of even sitting for 3 hours in a cafe, let alone marry. i called for help. needed just a friend to share my sucky life stories with. needed some fun to take my mind off nonsense. and i found him.

gradually my friend became more than a friend. and the best part is... i love him in so many more ways than one, cause he is to me so much more than just someone i fell in love with.

ive always felt that im better than the guys ive been with previously. ive always felt that im too good for them and they dont deserve me. ive finally met a guy whom i know is far more superior than me, and that I dont deserve him. i really dont.

he is farrrr, way much better than me in so many aspects. and by only-God-knows-what, i met him. and only God knows why he even went out with me in the first place.

heaven on earth. it has been 4 weeks of pure bliss and nothing less, but so much more.

he takes my breath away. and even if things might not work out... i know that whatever happened between us is pure.

i know you might read this, so my dear jacob, bella loves you. yeah, your parrot loves you, you hibernating bear. baby, i <> syg u so very very very the much.

so this will be my last entry for 2009. it has been an eventful year. i started my year in Pattaya, spent a month of it in Qingdao and ending it in KL. and of all the things that happened, the best was meeting Jacob. (yes, he knocked Qingdao off the top. haha..)

anyway, Happy New Year pple. i pray that 2010 will be a better year for all of us...

and jacob, I LOVE YOU. =)

sheer insanity, pure madness

2009-12-26T16:51:00.004+08:00

just when you thought you have gone through everything bad that life has to offer... that you have seen the worst at such a young age... a whole new level strikes you... so intense the feeling it's enough to drive you through the wall...

and the sheer insanity of it all, you yourself can't phantom. pure madness.

vision has been clouded... blinded even. you used to see the world so clearly. you knew what you needed, what you wanted.

you were brave enough to let go whatever or whoever cause you knew that what or who you were letting go would not benefit you in any ways. they were just a hindrance to your bright future.

and yet... in a matter of a few days... everything changed. without even having laid eyes, you were sure you're going to feel the loss of losing a friend. but it wasnt so bad cause you know you can still stay friends even 690 miles away.

but suddenly, when friendship turned into something ineffable, you stopped breathing, so forcefully it came. its like your breath has been sucked out from you. so many times you have tried to put it into words, but there isn't a word great enough, apt enough to decribe what you are going through.

you wonder... does he know what you are feeling? does he know how much your heart aches, in good and bad ways, whenever you look at him? can he feel it? does he really feel the same way or is it because you so badly want him, you feel that he does?

and through it all, a small voice inside you, so unfamiliar this voice, keeps on whispering,"you don't deserve him."

it has been 4 weeks of sheer insanity and pure madness... yet the most blissful of all happiness. you wish it didnt have to end, but you know what goes up must come down. you signed the contract. you knew what you were in for the moment you said, "hi."

knowing doesn't mean it gets any easier. the longer you know, the more you learn. the more you learn, the deeper you love.

it's inevitable. the time will come.

her and him astrology readings

2009-12-25T16:02:00.005+08:00

ok i was bored... still am... trying to sleep but cant. so i tried doing this by using our respective birthdates.. and this was what i got. okay i edited the names out cause they required full names, and since this blog is quite public and will be posted on fb's notes, i do not really want to publicly tell everyone who he is and especially his bdate. hahaha.. so anyway, our names have been changed to pronouns. heh. =)

her Sun Conjunct his Mars:

You inspire each other to be very active in both work and play, and to accomplish a great deal. You enjoy challenging each other and perhaps enjoy competing with each other in games. The only negative tendency is to possibly develop a rivalry with each other; this is especially possible if he comes on too forcefully, directly and aggressively, hurting her feelings or pride.

his Sun Conjunct her Pluto:

You draw out each other's deepest, hidden feelings, drives, needs, and ambitions. The uncovering of your inner needs and hopes is likely to cause both of you to undergo some major personality changes. You share a deep, inner bond; this is not a light or superficial relationship. You may go on a crusade together and jointly pursue shared interests with unusual intensity and dedication.

her Sun Opposition his Venus:

You really enjoy each other's company and have a good time together. You share positive attitudes and feelings openly and you help each other see the brighter, more beautiful side of life.

her Sun Square his Saturn:

he must be very careful not to harshly criticize or judge her. There is a strong tendency for her to feel blocked, frustrated, and discouraged by him. Typically, he will feel surprised by her feelings of frustration and anger, and feel that she is just being overly sensitive to criticism. There is an element of truth to both viewpoints: he tends to be too critical of her and she tends to be too sensitive to the criticism; the combination can be disastrous! she may try to ignore the problem, but ignoring the problem will not cause the problem to disappear. On the positive side, you are often able to work together effectively in meeting challenges and responsibilities. However, the tendency to become overly concerned with your responsibilities and be too conservative, cautious, and restrictive towards each other must not get out of hand, or you will both feel severely confined and restricted by being together.

her Sun Square his Uranus:

When the two of you get together, you make a lot of noise, and there is lots of excitement. There is a strong element of unpredictability and spontanaeity as well and you enjoy improvising new ideas and playing together. Because there is a loose, spontaneous quality to your relationship, you find that very often you can not depend on each other and it is difficult for the two of you to focus on mundane, tedious, or onerous tasks together. This is a good relationship for exploring new possibilities and interests and for spurring each other to become more spontaneous, independent, and creative, but a difficult relationship if dependability and commitment to each other is a high priority.

his Sun Trine her Jupiter:

The two of you really enjoy each other's company! she has a great deal of confidence in him and is able to see his best qualities. You are very encouraging and supportive of each other, helping each other to be more confident, open new doors, and advance and grow in both inner and outer ways. This positive note of good will and harmony is also invaluable in helping the two of you overcome differences in temperament and other stressful aspects of your relationship discussed elsewhere in this report.

his Sun Sextile her Neptune:

The two of you have a strong intuitive understanding of each other, and you inspire each other's imagination, idealism, and aspirations. You help each other to become clearer about your ideals and religious inclinations, and together you develop a greater sense of meaning and purpose in your lives. You help each other to look beyond the daily problems and issues of your personal lives and focus more on altruistic goals and broader issues.

bubbly... =) bble t. haha

2009-12-25T05:13:00.002+08:00

I've been awake for awhile now
You've got me feeling like a child now
Cause everytime i see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes, I always know
You make me smile, please stay for awhile now
Just take your time, wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Undercover staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way...
I just... hmmm...

I've been asleep for awhile now
You tuck me in just like a child now
Cause everytime you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul and I lose all control
When you kiss my nose, the feeling shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holding me tight...

Wherever... you go...

***

just seeing Jacob today made Bella's day... her heart skipped a beat when her eyes met his, and immediately her face broke out into a smile. 16 days and counting.. and although it pains her at the mere thought of him leaving in 2 weeks, she couldnt help smiling when she saw him. all pain masked behind the temporary happiness of seeing him.

everyday is a new day. everyday is the first day. and everyday she falls deeper and deeper.

the feeling of happiness mixed with sadness and fear is indescribable. happiness at seeing him. sadness at the thought of him leaving. fear that they will never meet again.

bella really *hearts* jacob.

silent tears

2009-12-24T00:13:00.004+08:00

silent tears...

the truth, how truly heart wrenching it is
you will never know...
painful for the eyes to see
even worse for the one shouldering the pain...

silent tears...

the sun always shines before the rain...
always smiling...
only He can see the pain...
behind that fake sunshine...

silent tears...

survived, unscathed
through the most trying of times...
immortal, or so thought...
til that fateful day...

silent tears...

to question fate
to question the All Knowing One
a blasphemy...
with a sigh, fate is accepted...

silent tears...

with a heavy heart
she faces the world
a smile on her face
a silent tear rolling down her cheek...

:-...(

tercipta untukku...

2009-12-22T22:31:00.002+08:00

menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
membuatku terdiam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesta tubuhku

banyak kata yang tak mampu ku ungkapkan
kepada dirimu...

aku ingin engkau selalu hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah yang menyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
sepanjang hidupku...

aku ingin engkau selalu hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah yang menyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku...

meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tahu ku selalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu sepanjang hidupku...

*whatever happens jacob will always be in bella's heart*

In this life I was loved by you.....

2009-12-22T15:19:00.004+08:00

For all i've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch, you set me free

For every mountain I have climbed
For every raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I'd longed to find
Without your love I would be lost

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all fall's apart
I would know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you...

Bella *hearts* Jacob

bella's heart

2009-12-22T00:29:00.003+08:00

my heart. you have taken. return it to me should you decide you no longer want it. and as long as you have it, i will wait for you.

*hearts* *hearts* *hearts* so so so much.

Bella is irrevocably in love with Jacob

2009-12-22T00:11:00.002+08:00

irrevocably in love she is... it hurts to breathe out the words "Goodbye." Just the thought of it hurts so much... but she once heard someone said "it's better to live with someone you love for one day, then live with someone you dont love for the rest of your life."

she has had 3 weeks and she has 2 weeks left. and every moment with Jacob, is a moment Bella will treasure all her life. and all she can do is watch him go and pray that one day, their hearts will meet again.

fate... jodoh... yuan fen. in all languages... it's the same... she lives it up to Him, and hopes that fate is kind enough...

Jacob is her favourite hello and hardest goodbye. But she wont say goodbye. Goodbye signifies the end, and she doesnt want this to end.

When Jacob leaves, Bella will await for the moment she feels him in her arms again.

Bella *hearts* Jacob very much.

Bella doesnt want to miss a moment with Jacob

2009-12-21T01:07:00.003+08:00

I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
while you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spend with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time...

*Bella Jacob very much*

so painful...

2009-12-15T01:16:00.004+08:00

how sucky can life be?

seriously sucky. but because it's fate, we have to accept it the way it is. it sucks. meeting the right person. he who fits nicely into every crook and crevices of my heart and fills up all the gaping holes.

with him, everything is right. everything falls into place. i feel so at ease, it surprises me cause ive never (and ive been with ALOT of guys) felt this way. even with my ex-bf, the one i thought i loved the most, i didnt have this kind of feeling. he's more than a guy im attracted to. he's my jacob. a best friend.

it's a whole new level. a whole new feeling.

i wish fate didnt have to be so cruel.

i wish love didnt have to hurt so badly.

i wish my heart will stop feeling more and more pain as the seconds tick by so quickly till the day comes...

so painful, i cant breathe.

happily ever after?

2009-11-03T23:00:00.002+08:00

i have not had time to really update my blog... well, lots had happened... but the thing that i want to clarify since everyone has been asking...

question: how are things between you and taj?
answer: I have broken off the engagement. yes, i asked for it.

question: why?
answer: Honestly, i do not think he is there yet... and even more honestly, straight out truth, there are alot of things about him and other factors that i do not like, and as much as ive tried, i do not think i will ever be happy with them, and i do not think i can ever live with it.

question: Oh... you must be sad. are you okay?
answer: OHMYGAWD NO! im NOT sad! i am like the happiest person in the world ah! it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. and i am very very proud to admit that i had the courage to finally break off our engagement. it was one of the best decisions i have made in my whole life.

question: aren't you afraid he might have been the one, and you have missed your chance?
answer: hell no! i rather be a spinster than be in an unhappy marriage.

question: are you still friends with him?
answer: no.

question: why?
answer: because initially we did try.. however, when i started dating around, he started calling me a prostitute and told me that i could work at a lorong in geylang cause any guys with money can get me.

question: ohmy... that bad huh?
answer: yes... it just got so bad... i dont want him to think i will ever get back with him, cause the possibility is less than 0%.

question: do you still love him?
answer: out of sight, out of mind.

question: do you miss him? just a little?
answer: sometimes... but not really.

question: have you ever regretted being engaged?
answer: initially.. but i realised that it was good, cause it made me see the real him. it opened my eyes and i saw what i was in for.. and i saw the warning signs... and i quickly made a run for it.

question: you mentioned that you are dating around, have you met anyone specific?
answer: yes, i have but we are just dating. so if you see us, please do not be such a kpo ass.

question: do you want to be with this guy?
answer: yes, but i am still considering. i am very very much more careful this time.

question: can we know more about the guy?
answer: NO. because we are just dating, understand?

question: are you really happy?
answer: yes.. really.. i love the way my life is right now.. happier than i have ever been ever since i got engaged.

question: okay.. thank you so much for time. do you have any last piece of advice you would like to give the readers?
answer: yes.. before entering a relationship, consider the next few factors: career stability, ability to work, characteristics (must compliment yours), family background... just to name a few.. its very important... and engagement is good. it actually helps you to see the real side of things..so do not be afraid to get engaged, and do not be afraid to break it off if you see something you do not like.

*** end of interview***

Scorpio + Pisces

2009-10-21T18:55:00.000+08:00

Pisces and Scorpio

When Scorpio and Pisces make a love match, theirs is a splendid union of much respect and understanding. These mates share the same Element -- Water -- and thus have keen insight into one another's minds and hearts. Scorpio is very profound and covert, often caught up in their own secret plans, while Pisces is idealistic and looks for the nuances of a situation. However, Pisces also has a tendency to withdraw into their own mind, and can forgive Scorpio for being mysterious or withdrawn at times.

Both Signs are intuitive and in touch with the subtleties of human interaction. Scorpio can help Pisces fulfill dreams and ambitions -- to turn ideas into reality. The Scorpion will provide a steadfast foundation for the relationship to revolve around, and the more ephemeral and intuitive Fish will become entangled in Scorpio's web. In return, Pisces offers gentleness, kindness, and sympathy, which Scorpio admires and appreciates. Scorpio is interested in certain material comforts and intense emotional dramas, and at times cannot understand the simplistic, charitable attitude of Pisces. Their long-term aspirations can be completely unalike. Once they can understand and overcome this difference, theirs will be a very rewarding relationship.

Mars and Pluto rule Scorpio, and Jupiter and Neptune rule Pisces. Mars is the ancient God of War, and Scorpio individuals are living proof of this aggressive, courageous, daring and sometimes-belligerent influence. When Pluto combines with Mars, Pluto comes to symbolize new beginnings. Scorpio can take it, but they can also most certainly give it. Jupiter's rule of Pisces represents philosophy, expansion and excesses. The Neptunian influence gives Pisces a dreamy aura and a love for popular culture and media. Pisces dreamy, ethereal energy softens their Scorpio love's rough edges. The composite power of these four planets creates a balanced relationship, one of drama and emotional intrigue; this is a true celestial bond. However, a Scorpio mate must let their beloved Fish swim about a bit; a sensitive Pisces will suffocate under too many demands

Cry on my shoulder

2009-10-01T20:06:00.001+08:00

If the hero, never comes to you
If you need someone, you're feeling blue
If you wait for love, and you're alone
If you call your friends, nobody's home
You can rum away, but you can't hide
Through a storm and through a lonely night
Then I'll show you there's a destiny
The best things in life, they are free

But if you wanna cry: cry on my shoulder
If you need someone, who cares for you
If you're feeling sad, your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do

If your sky is grey oh let me know
There's a place in heaven, where we'll go
If heaven is, a million years away
Oh just call me and I'll make your day
When the nights are getting cold and blue
When the days are getting hard for you
I will always stay by your side
I promise you, I'll never hide

But if you wanna cry: cry on my shoulder
If you need someone, who cares for youI
f you're feeling sad, your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do
But if you wanna cry: cry on my shoulder
If you need someone, who cares for you
If you're feeling sad, your heart gets colder
Yes I show you what real love can do

1st entry...since China

2009-09-08T13:56:00.000+08:00

I think it is about time. I should blog about my experience in China.

I reached Singapore about 4 weeks back, and not a single day has passed without me wishing I was back in Qingdao. It was wonderful. An experience I would give up anything in the world for.

I met many people, and they became my friends. I learnt Mandarin because not knowing Mandarin at all is a severe impairment. It prompted me to take up a Mandarin class when I return to Singapore. I have always wanted to learn Mandarin, however, I kept on procrastinating. Finally got the push I needed.

(suck up suck up suck up. Sorry, while writing this, I am overhearing one of my colleagues talking to my boss.)

Anyway, my students became great friends. Best friends. They helped me through thick and thin, and were always there for me. And I made friends with the boy who pulls noodles. His dad owns the Muslim restaurant behind the college. They were really warm and friendly.

I went crazy shopping. I brought 3 bags to China and brought home 5 bags to Singapore. It was a really crazy shopping experience. I bargained and bargained and bought stuff for like $2-$15.

Teaching was great. I only worked 3-4 hours a day. Accommodation and food were paid for. However, I had to pay for food if I want to eat Halal food. So usually, I will have vegetarian and seafood for lunch, and for dinner, I will definitely eat at the Muslim restaurant behind. Duh! Beef, chicken and mutton!

Hen hao! Zhen de hen hao! The food is delicious! Hearty and cheap! Just thinking about it makes me hungry. Twice the amount of Singapore food and 1/5 of the price! What a bargain! I love China.

They are not what they seem to be. Chinese people from China (zhong guo ren) are really nice people. They are not at all bad and they do not discriminate. They do not have any hang ups. They are great!

While I was in China, I received news that I have passed my exams and received a 2^nd class lower. Okay… not too shabby considering that I was working and studying at the same time. I thought it through, and I have decided to find a teaching job in China for a year or two, starting mid-next year. Yes, the pay will be very low, but the cost of living is also very low. And working hours! Goodness! 20-25 hours a week! It’s good! It’s like a paid holiday!

Yah, that sums up my experience in china! A paid holiday!

I really missed everyone and everything there. Life was so relaxed and slow. Never slept so much in my life. Hahaha…

Now that I am back in Singapore, I am bored to death. I hate my job. I enjoy teaching/training. But now, we do not have classes. I’m bored stiff. 8 hours sitting doing a job anyone can do, sitting in the office being useless. and getting paid half of what I got paid in China if you count it per hour. My job sucks. I am not even bothering to tell my boss I got my degree.

I am not a suck-up. I do not bother to suck-up. You can be hard on me. But I will do what I think is right. I do not suck up, and I will not go out of my way to please you. I know what I was hired for, and I fulfill my job responsibilities.

Time is money. Why should I put in extra hours for free, when I can teach tuition for money? I do not have any strong affiliations to the company. No one is related to me. No one recommended me. Sigh. I will get fired after this.

I do not have anything personal against anyone. I am just not happy. An unhappy and dissatisfied worker will not be good worker. I hope classes will resume soon. I hate staying in the office. Too much politics.

I MISS CHINA!

already gone

2009-08-31T21:02:00.000+08:00

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But i know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone

Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone...

updated

2009-07-14T13:53:00.004+08:00

10 hours before i leave singapore for a month.

I'm still in shock. i'm still dazed. i have basically packed my whole room into two bags. hahaha.. i'm gonna miss everyone and i'm gonna miss taj. =(

I have installed a weather forecast thingy at the side ---->>>>>>, so you all can see the weather in qingdao while i'm there.

i'm gonna be teaching at the qingdao feiyang vocational and technical college, and its branch in singapore is fei yang institute of technology, singapore.

i guess my next blog entry will be when i'm in china. so... wish me luck! =)

*seek knowledge even if it's in faraway China - Nabi Muhammad, s.a.w.*

omg omg

2009-07-14T04:10:00.002+08:00

OMG OMG OMG.

i'm leaving for China in less than 20 hrs from now! OMG! I'm still reeling from shock. OMG.

I will be teaching/training English to 20 college students from China. OMG.

and to the gerl or guy or gay who wrote a long hate tag (which i actually find amusing, cause, the only person who would feel so strongly about it is someone whose bf is in the same squad as Jack. amazing how the mind works.) SUCK IT BITCH!

i'm going to china to work. and you're in singapore sucking balls. so really, just suck it. heh.

i'm in an extraordinarily jubilant mood. i thot taj had a problem with me going to china cause he seemed so irritated and didnt want to tok to me and was basically picking a fight. den suddenly yana and amri appeared out from nowhere and surprised me with gifts from taj and them! so sweet!

taj bought me a rose (aww) and a special gf ff bear (double aww) and a card with congratulations on it (triple aww). so sweet! i want to cry!

we have barely spent 3 days together and i'm already leaving in 20 hrs! wah..

but anyway, i'm DAMN HAPPY! WOOHOO!

chances

2009-07-12T16:31:00.003+08:00

I've been shortlisted. YAY. i might receive an opportunity to work in a college in China for a few weeks. I said MIGHT.

I have decided to take unpaid leave for this one-in-a-lifetime experience. However, the problem is, my direct boss might not let me take the leave. and if he doesnt, i have made up my mind to give my resignation notice. Of which, of course I wouldnt be able to serve my one month notice, and might have to pay one month's pay. I really hope my direct boss will be nice enough. =(

I might not have any job after I come back from China, or I might have a job that pays me much lesser. Or i might just really have to go NIE, which i really DONT WANT to.

Let's just hope direct boss has a heart. Or must go straight to big boss. Big boss is very fatherly.

and if everything goes well, and i get to go to China to work, can you just imagine what this would do for my career?

Oh god, please dont let me mumble and be stupid.

I'm scared. I'm worried. I'll be alone in China, fending for myself. But i'm willing to face this head on. Hey, i've survived a head on collision with a bus. I can do this, with God's will.

MJ's Memorial

2009-07-07T18:11:00.002+08:00

Michael Jackson's memorial will be aired on CH5 at 1.30 a.m. 8th July, Spore time.

*sobz*

still waiting for someone to tell me it has all been a joke/hoax, since azny and nadiah have pointed out about how trustworthy news can NOT be.

sad. very very sad.

opinion

2009-07-05T04:26:00.003+08:00

Okay, I have a story ive just heard from someone. be free to give your opinions.

There is this couple, they have been together for quite awhile. Their relationship is quite volatile, something that is really not that surprising at this day and age. But in the recent weeks, month, things were going great for them and they finally thought everything is going great.

The guy, let's name him Jack, had to go for reservist for a period of roughly two weeks. Every night they will talk on the phone even if it's just for 5 minutes. They really missed each other. Before he went for reservist, the girl, let's name her Jill, asked Jack whether it's possible for them to see each other at the weekend. He said most probably not. So she asked him if she should make plans with her friends. He said to go ahead. So everything was fine.

Then the weekend came. He suddenly called her in the evening and told her that he is free to meet her. But she has already made plans with her friends and was already out. He got angry and told her he expected her to cancel out on her friends and go out with him since it was his only night off.

The thing is, whenever Jack is NOT in camp, Jill ALWAYS goes out with him at the weekends. She has not seen her friends in quite awhile. So she told him, "why not i bring my friends along and we all meet. maybe we can just sneak away from each other for awhile and spend some time together."

However he refused. He kept on saying that he would have cancelled out on his friends if we were in the same position. But Jill emphasised to him that she was already with her friends. She can't be such an ass. Jill has not met her friends in a long while, and that one day she is meeting her friends, he expected her to cancel out on them at the very last minute just to meet him.

He said that he will be stuck in camp for another week, and since Jill is his partner, she should prioritise him over her friends.

Jill did not agree to that as she is already prioritising him over friends. Jill was so angry and told him off. Jack told her to enjoy her "fucking evening."

Jill got really fed up. She told Jack she won't be taking anymore of his nonsense. She bought something for him when she went shopping and she said she would pass it to his family and he should just accept it as a parting gift.

Jack immediately went out, change his number and is now uncontactable.

The End

In my opinion, Jill should be strong and just ask Jack to fish off. But i guess it's easier said than done. She might love him a lot, and from experience, I know it is difficult to let go after so long. What do you think?

OMG

2009-07-04T10:22:00.003+08:00

i dreamt taj died!

i dont remember much. but i remembered i dreamt that umar and anwar didnt know and then they came to me to sell some healthwise thing which i blatantly refused. apparently in my dream there was some kind of rule that everyone who was ever with healthwise had to sell this one new thing.

anyway. then umar came to me and said that it would be easier for anwar to have taj to help him. then i was like, "don't you know? taj has... passed away."

of course umar was shocked and when anwar found out, he was shocked. then suddenly all of taj's friends appeared (and were shocked upon hearing the news) and i was crying inconsolably.

and what was worse was when i was telling umar about his demise, i told him that next week was the date that we were supposed to marry.

it was just a dream, a nightmare, but the heart wrenching pain was real. i could feel it.

i have not made any plans as to which date or even which year taj and me are supposed to marry. people say it's not nice to be engaged for too long. well for me, to hell with that. we are gonna enjoy our 50-50 status for now. marriage to me, is just a piece of paper. being engaged means i get to enjoy everything without having to worry about children, house and all the other mundane necessities of marriage. and the best part is, still being able to run if the trouble is too much. yeh yeh, boo me. but the sanctity of marriage is lost on me.

that has been my view for a long time. but maybe sigmund freud was right after all. dreams represent your unconcious. and maybe, deep inside i really heart wrenchingly love taj. i mean i do love him, but after all that has been happening, i try to detach myself, keep an arm's length, just so i wont be hurt or disappointed if anything were to happen. ive been training myself to be able to let go and not cry, even though so far, for the past month, everything has been good. better be safe than sorry right?

but whatever it is, i know that if he were to go, in any ways, like in my dream, i wouldnt be able to take it. and i really hope and pray that that would just stay as it is. a dream.

one week to go.

2009-07-04T01:58:00.003+08:00

one week to go before i see taj again. he is in camp.. reservist.. absence makes the heart grows fonder. haha.. it's a good break i guess.. "even lovers need a holiday from each other..."

since i have been training at the Jurong East branch, decided to go to Jurong Point after work to have coffee with a friend of mine. it was short but really enjoyed the great company. havent seen Jurong Point since i was 18. that was 5 years back. it's really different and much better now. was given a ride to ecp. yay.. no train rides back =)

met yana and amri at ecp and hung out for awhile.. ok.. for 4 hours actually. i had a "simpul biawak" or muscle cramp cause i sat down for too long. i was paralysed for a good 15 minutes.

taj called... the poor guy had live firing today and he sounded really shagged. one week to go baby. you can make it! go go go!

anyway, the next section of my blog will be written in Malay cause it's solely for Malay audience.

Ok, saya harap melayu saya tak lah karat sangat. faham2 aje lah.

saya kadang2 malu dengan masyarakat kita ni. saya kan seorang pelatih untuk orang2 dewasa mempelajari bahasa inggeris. di branch yang saya mengajar ada satu kelas yang ader lelaki2 melayu. sedangkan kebanyakan, sebanyak 99 peratus berbangsa cina, yang dua tiga ekor "abang2" melayu, sungguh2 memalu kan. yang orang berbangsa lain bersungguh2 berlatih untuk menlengkapkan diri mereka dengan "skills2" yang penting dan diperlukan, yang dua tiga ekor monyet ni boleh masok keluar masok keluar kelas mereka yang sedang lancar berjalan. isap rokok lah. buat ni lah. melencong ajer.

dah melencong takpe. gatal plak. eh bang, jgn nak gatal2. awak ingat saya takde kelas? nak orang2 mcm awak? dan abg jangan luper. umur abang, nak dekat same dengan BAPAK saya lah. abang bukan abang, abang PAKCIK. biadap sungguh.

Pakcik tak sedarkan diri. saya tahu bukan semua orang melayu mcm gini, tapi saya tahu banyak lah yang seperti ini. patot lah kat singapura ni, banyak orang2 dari negeri lain datang untuk berkerja. orang2 melayu memang 'bo chap". jalan mengikut arus aje. haiz. patotlah orang berbangsa lain ingat kiter ni sebuah masyarakat yang tak guna. patotlah MM kiter raser singapura belom siap sedia untuh ada seorang menteri besar yang berbangsa melayu.

sebagai seorang melayu, mereka ni tak rase ke nak naikkan namer orang melayu yang sudah dilempar, dipijak and diconteng. ni takde, memalukan saje. mengapakah, ada besar bilangan orang melayu pemalas? tidak mahu bekerja, tidak mahu tingkatkan kemahiran mereka... mereka cumer tau nak complain je. tapi tak buat aper2. lagi, saya cakap, saya tahu bukan semua. tetapi ader besar bilangan nye.

okay lah.. di sisni sahaja celoteh saya. saya sudah sungguh ngantok, da stengah mati.

yawnz.. nights

Gone too soon

2009-07-01T22:08:00.005+08:00

"Gone Too Soon"

Like A Comet

Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky

Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow

Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye

Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly

And Splendidly Bright

Here One Day

Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight

On A Cloudy Afternoon

Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle

Built Upon A Sandy Beach

Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower

That Is Just Beyond Your Reach

Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight

Here One Day

Gone One Night

Like A Sunset

Dying With The Rising Of The Moon

Gone Too Soon

Rest in Peace

MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON

29 August 1958 - 25 June 2009

the end of my twilight

2009-06-08T22:58:00.003+08:00

it has been 3 weeks of illusions. for the past 3 weeks, my life revolved around Forks, Bella, Edward, Jacob and the others.

I fell in love with Edward, had a crush on Jacob, fell in love with Jacob, got torn between Edward and Jacob, decided that Jacob is better for me cause he's just so much more fun than Edward, then thought about how hot Edward is, then decided that Jacob is hot too. Finally, i totally gave up and just continued on.

8 June, 1.50 a.m., i finally reached the end of the line - where eternal happiness is possible.

and now, im reeling from the shock. staggering. my addiction to the illusions was so strong, im having withdrawal symptoms.

it has finally ended. i cant believe it.

ok, yeah yeah, im being melodramatic. hey, im a literature grad. whaddya do u expect? i grew up on enid blyton's brownies, pixies, gnomes and elves.

that's besides the point. i miss edward. a gentleman through and through. jacob, his love for bella, so strong, that no matter how many times she rejected him, he still stayed by her side. i would DIE to have any ONE of those two guys. and bella has both.

then, alice. who can ask for a better friend. one that truly cares. and seth. such a kind hearted spirit.

carlisle and esme.

i can go on and on.

im totally in love with twilight. it's a total form of escapade. that really, there are no guys like edward and jacob. they are total fictitious character. non-existent. a figment of imagination. or rather, a figment of girls' hopes and dreams.

maybe for 3 years, the reason why i have not been with anyone but taj. i have never even bother to get to know another guy. maybe it's because, deep down, i have given up. i have given up on the hopes that such guys exist.

now, im just afraid to get old. i feel old.

tell me, how would you feel if you are training people the same age/older than you? i have seen some trainees, so cute, so hot, but totally out of bounds. i feel old. and HTA, as fun as it was, made me feel so much older.

these NSmen, my age or younger. just going through that growing up phase. that NS phase. most still going to uni or furthering their studies after NS. yeah, im a girl, i dont have to go through NS. but still.

NS sucks, i know. but at least, it's still a holiday as compared to the real life. enjoy it boys while you still have it.

one of the guys actually said, "ma'am, see you at double-o." i snorted. clubbing. when was the last time i went clubbing? 2007? i dont even remember. i dont even remember how the INSIDE of a club looks like. being at DXO and Home club could not be considered clubbing. we were chilling and getting pissed drunk but still didnt make a fool of ourselves. congratulations. we have grown up.

being drunk and actually feeling worse. wow. that's a totally new one. not that i have been drinking. i dont even drink much anymore.

i miss being young and happy. i miss going out with BOYS. yeah, immature boys. boys were just so much fun.

like jacob.

oh i miss twilight.

im trying to get this twilight thing off my head by reading charles johnson's dreamer. it's a fictitious account of martin luther king jr life before he was assassinated.

maybe it will get all these romantic notions out of my head and bring me back to reality.

sigh.
i want jacob.

not again

2009-06-07T21:58:00.002+08:00

my bike chain came off. again.

this is like the -dunno how many times it has happened. u know what? im going to just sell the bike and get a new one.

but im not sure how willing i am to let go of ariqa. my longest ever relationship. haha. she's a feisty one. went under a bus and still survived.

anyway, it came off just as i was leaving the Home Team Academy. If u know where it is, u know it is at a very ulu part of singapore. tucked quietly away in some corner with fish farms surrounding it. was so happy as the course is a 9-5 one which means i can go home early but of course, so such luck for me.

just as i was about to enter KJE, the bike refused to move and i heard clanging sound. i knew what had happend of course. i got off, put aside my 1) laptop bag, 2) handbag, 3) helmet bag and 4) helmet. i went down and dirty trying to oh-so-smart fix it myself. almost got it, but after 20 mins, and very blackened, oily hands, i decided to call the tow truck. took 25 minutes for them to come and got in the truck with them. another 45 minutes to reach the bike shop cause its at changi rd, the other end of the world.

thank god, the NSmen that i was training left at 6pm. if not, i would have ran into them. that would have been totally embarassing.

sigh. tow service was already 35 bucks, and the chain 28. we have to change chain every 3 months or so. so bleurgh. i was just saving that money to change the brake pads. i didnt have any cash and the bike shop doesnt accept atm or credit cards. so i asked taj to come down with some cash since his work place is so near. so he came and paid for it. but i didnt bring extra helmet, so i asked him for some money so that i can take the cab since i was carrying so many things. and he took the bike. hehehe.

stayed home the past 2 days cause my parents were away. so peace and quiet at home. hehehehe. ok, work tmrw. sigh

sorely lacking

2009-05-27T21:50:00.003+08:00

genuity is sorely lacking where i am. hypocrisy, on the other hand, is in abundance.

some people can say one thing, and do another, den say others are doing it, keeping themselves safe. and the people who are listening, are stupid enough to believe them, or just love the fact that people are licking their balls, that they fail to be objective.

i really would loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to blog it all out and write names and everything, however, i shall refrain as, more than anything else, it concerns money. the fact that without these hypocrites and ball-lickers'-lovers, i would not have money.

and money is really one of the top priorities in my life, if not the only priority.

i do wish some people will just drop dead. do everyone a favour and drop dead.

hypocrites, backstabbers, ball-lickers, ball-lickers'-lovers, just a bunch of damn assholes.

well, what can i say. WELCOME TO THE REAL LIFE.

but u noe what, im just gonna ignore these assholes. walk away from negativities and mind your own business.

on another note, ive finished reading twilight and shall officially announce my engagement to edward cullen, even though, technically, he is 17, but actually, he is 108 years old. which is okay.

just bought new moon, and i will officially marry edward cullen at the "break(ing)" of "dawn."

at this moment, with the way my life is turning out, i will happily disappear into a world of angel-like vampires. its the only place where life is beautifully imperfect.

oh well then

2009-05-25T21:11:00.002+08:00

there are a few types of people i hate.

the group i hate the most is the suck up group/lick balls group. i am a person who seriously do not find the need to lick anyone's balls, no matter how important that person is to my future career/life/watever else is at stake.

i am nice when i WANT or FEEL like being nice. i can be a real bitch at all other times. i dont care for people who dont matter to me. i really dont find the need to make new friends just so i would fit in. i believe if we click, we will naturally be friends. no need for the suck ups or pretending.

and so i didnt pretend. i mostly ignored, gave my really bitchy sour face and smiled only when i needed to. i guess most of you wont know what the f*** im talking about, but well, i really cant say much more that this, cuz if i do, it will just make matters worse.

sometimes i just love being bitchy. its real fun cause u can act like a princess. and i got away with it. and plus, i managed to throw in some sarcastic biting comments that was indirectly pointing to them (thus shutting them up and letting them know where i think they stand) but however noone can say i was talking about them cause it was so indirect, if they feel that it was directed to them, then they are just affirming my beliefs.

on another note, went out with taj and his family and went up the sg flyer. ohmygawd. it was the longest half an hour ever. i mean seriously, it was a serious waste of money. thank god, it was taj;s money. and to think i thot of bring him there for his bdae. well thank god i didnt waste 60 hard earned bucks on THAT. like seriously. what were they thinking when they build the sg flyer? SERIOUSLY, what the hell was going through their mind man.

i was kinda hoping that it would malfunction again, then we'll get to go down by ropes. that would have been SUPER COOL and worth all the 30 bucks per person. i guess i have just travelled to too many countries and have gone on many much cooler rides, like at disneyland, universal studios and gold coast (many thanks to my dad who loves to travel and is nice enough to bring us along), to actually enjoy sg flyer.

i know if i were to tell taj that i had the most horrible time of my life, trapped in a capsule 165 meters above sea level, he would have been angry with me. after that ride, my mood was so foul, i didnt even feel hungry. i must have seem to be like a princess. but yeah. dont mess around with me when im in that mood.

but after i sent taj's mom and brother home, we went out to catch a movie. and that was great. when it was just the two of us. and today, we had dinner and again it was surprisingly great. taj told me he had a dream about me receiving a speeding ticket, but i hid it from him and he found out. then he told me it seemed to be a sign like im speeding away from him and that one day i might just *poof* and disappear. too fast for him to catch.

when he told me about it, i snickered and warned him, half-jokingly, half-true, that that might just be the case if he is not careful.

but well, at least im trying. i got him 6 prezzies for his bdae, excluding the card. the card is really great and one of the prezzie is really really meaningful. i hope it will somehow help us.

but whatever it is, IM BROKE. so yeah. (oh yeah, cuz while i was shopping for HIS prezzies, i bought myself a bra and a shirt. they were on SALE. so CHEAP! and the bra and shirt MATCH!! both PURPLE) so hence, u understand the reason behind my lack of money now. haha

(i should be saving for my wedding right? i should have been saving since ive got engaged right? and yet im not. and ive been engaged for 10 mths. hmmm. why is that so i wonder.)

maddening

2009-05-23T10:44:00.003+08:00

oh, this whole trying out thing is so maddening. im really trying. at least im trying to survive until the end of june, that's when we'll take the premarriage course.

i admire girls who are able to close one eye, or even both their eyes to their partner flaws.

if u have been reading my blog since a few years back, you would know i know of a girl whose then bf cheated on her, and worse still, bragged about it to his other friends. and now they are engaged to be married soon. that is really patient. really really patient. i would have had none of that nonsense myself.

and my problem is not even as severe as hers. then why am I i still feeling unhappy?

i think sometimes, i wish my parents would have cared enough to prevent me from getting engaged. my mom told me that they just want me to be happy with whoever is my choice and they are not gonna dictate my life for me. they can just advise.

well, sometimes, u really dont want any advice. u just want the whole problem to stop.

u know, i really cant find anything good to say about him anymore. and i cant stand it that my mom keeps on hinting that sg airlines staff are getting bonuses and all, but taj is not. and how useless is that. he doesnt even get aws.

then she said that taj and me are two different people. she said that i have aspirations and dreams to venture out, but taj is satisfied in sitting in his comfort zone.

and of course, i cant really blame taj for that. he grew up in a family that is comfortable with whatever they have no matter how little it is and they can be happy at the slightest thing. which is good in some ways, cause they are happy and easily satisfied.

on the other hand, my dad works his ass off to provide my family with all the comforts that we need. and when we were still in school, we got everything we asked for. my dad's theory is that he wants us to be comfortable so that we can study better and have a good life. he opened his own foot reflexology business for extra income at night, so that we can continue living in 5 room flat with a car, and so that he can pay for my study loan when i wasnt working. and my parents expect the same from taj.

think about it. u have a daughter and u have been caring for her for 23 years of her life. u work your ass off. u take courses when u were younger to continuously upgrade yourself so that u wont be redundant, so that u can get promotions and provide a comfortable life for ur wife and children. now, forward to the future, u have done ur job. now it's time to pass it on to her husband. then the husband doesnt even care enough to look for a part time job to supplement his income. whatever little that he has is comfortable. he is content staying at home and watching television. cable tv at that. extra money. ur daughter works because she wants a career. but it is the duty of the husband to provide for her, but he cant. not only monetarily but also religiously. so how?

let's countdown to end of june and see how i survive. heck, let's countdown to my proposed marriage date which is end of 2010 and see if i survive till then.

either ways, congratulate me. it's either i got out of a relationship that is killing me, or the relationship is no longer killing me and has improved. so its a win-win situation. and if it is the former, im glad i still have friends who will be there for me. and, gd thing is, im still young. if it doesnt work out, i have 10 years to get married.

and if by end 2011, im still engaged but not married, tell me to get out of the relationship asap.

im a bitch, im a lover

2009-05-20T20:39:00.002+08:00

to think that i care enough to really go all out to get him birthday prezzies. im really trying my best.

the good thing is, whatever is past is past. this time around for real. cause i just realise how some people can say one thing to me, and another to someone else to save their face. but whatever.

anyway, at this moment, there is a small, baby cicak on my wall, and it's really unnerving. small baby cicaks, or any form of cicaks for that fact are just totally gross. it's like looking at me. waiting to pounce the minute i get up and pass it. bluek.

had a chat with my colleague, and we both agree that the pre-marriage course will do me and my fiance good. she told me that when she took the course, a couple that was in the same class as her actually decided not to get married cause they werent ready.

i gave my mom a warning this morning. i told her about what my colleague said. she said, it's okay with her if i decided not to get married. she wont be disappointed cause she wants me to marry the right guy, and if i think he is not the right guy, then i shouldnt. i love my mom. moms know best.

so will attend the pre-marriage course end of next month cause it's the only one that they have in English and at Al-falah. i cant take a Malay one, i will just keep on huh-ing the whole time. although i think my malay is relatively good. how can i call myself a minah if my malay sucks? tsk. an embarassment to minahs. (sense the sarcasm)

anyway, am reading the twilight book taj bought me for my bdae. i prefer reading books before i watch the movies. now that i have watched the movie, it has successfully killed my imagination. i cant imagine how edward cullen looks like cause now i know he looks like THAT. kills my imagination. how disappointing.

im gonna get new moon before it comes out. i have a whole library of books which i have not read till finish, and i still am buying more books. i just cant bring myself to read villette. the modernists and post modernists are fine. but victorians, augustans and romantics.. a bit blah.

u know, for my first year essay, i actually analysed clockwork orange the movie and the book. and i did pretty well for that. thanks to hanging out with azny and her band of rudegirls and rudeboys. really helped. if not, i would have never been introduced to that book and movie. i love BOTH the book AND the movie. just lovely.

anyway, met him just now. have decided not to see each other so much. and really. it is working. now when we see each other, we fight less. and i dont even see him for long. just an hour for dinner at carls' jr. talked about interesting stuff and went back.

this way, we dont run out of things to say. we dont get bored with each other and we are free to do out things as and when we want to. space was what we needed. and space is helping us.

let's hope everything will be okay till end of next year.

sigh

2009-05-18T15:21:00.004+08:00

to onlooker: well, u dont know what i said to my parents do you? e.g. when my mom asks why is he still not getting his driving licence? i will say that oh, his parents have financial problems blah blah. den when my mom asks why is he fat? then i will blame it on his mom's cooking. den when she asks about his financial status, i will create stories about him receiving promotions and that he has received his diploma etc etc.

and before my engagement to him, i only say nice wonderful things about him to my friends. try looking at before engagement posts. have i ever complained?

anyway, what azny said is very true. im like an abused wife who is making excuses for her abusive husband.

and its very true. again im making excuses. and again im giving him another chance.

but this time around, im gonna distant myself emotionally and physically. i wont see him as often. so hopefully it will be better for us.

met him yesterday to catch a movie. was awkward initially, but later on was okay. but i guess both of us know there's smth wrong this time. im gonna make more time for myself and my friends, and less time for him. i think im not gonna put myself out there anymore unless he is doing it too.

only respect a man who respects you.

ive decided to take azyan's advice. that we should go for the marriage course a.s.a.p. even if we dont get married, it's okay. but the immediate benefit is good. it might help save our relationship.

all the best to me. oh, and btw, ive been with him for more than 2 years and 8 mths. my longest relationship EVER. no break ups, no 3rd parties - zilch. my best track record. ever. ive actually been loyal. *gasp* *pats myself on the back* (whether it has been worth it to remain loyal is another story altogether. haha.)

on another note. am at work now after a month of not working =(. haha. but it's okay. i get to catch up with my colleague who just came back from her honeymoon. will be starting training at orchard tmrw.

just perfect. when the trainees go for lunch, the trainer (me) will go threading. haha. my eyebrows look like they belong to a man.

i forgot how boring it is to be back at the office. training is so much better. time passes so slowly when ure bored. im bored now. =(

edit

2009-05-14T18:10:00.000+08:00

oh gawd. i mean he needs to go out and get another girl. not guy. he's not gay. haha. although i wish he is. it'll make things easier.

day 6

2009-05-14T17:45:00.000+08:00

apparently, whatever sense of humour i had, left.

this is not working out. so not working out.

you want to know why? well, i have always been saying nice things and have never aired out how i really feel about my dear darling fiance.

well, i shall now. he is selfish and unreasonable. (yeah, that sounds like me huh?) so 2 selfish and unreasonable people cannot be together.

thing is, i was so very willing to work things out. i gave him chances. lots of it. and i didnt even do anything wrong. i actually COMPROMISED. me. farhanah. the person who CANNOT compromise. actually learnt how to compromise.

but for the past few months, i just got tired of being the only one compromising. i just stopped doing it.

granted, he can be sweet. he did really sweet stuff for my bdae and stuff. but those are events. what about everyday stuff? what about my emotional needs? he doesnt even think about it.

i thought if i were to tell him i have doubts about our relationship and that im thinking of breaking off the engagement, and that we should take a break, i thought he will try to win me over.

boy was i wrong. apparently, i dont know him. he is too egoistic for his nonsense. he should marry a servant. someone at his beck and call.

do i seriously want to get married to this guy?

no.

do i still hope that he will change?

yes.

am i an idiot?

YES.

im just an idiot for thinking a miracle would happen.

you know what they say, a guy wants to be the girl's first and a girl wants to be the guy's last? well im his first and he is (supposed to be) my last. in terms of being in serious relationships okay. dont get the wrong idea.

anyway, u see, i think he needs to go out there and get another guy.

my first serious relationship was with zil and we all know how that ended. and never will become anything anymore. but im happy for zil, he has the sweetest girlfriend and i hope things will go well for them.

well, i survived the first break up. (and the many small unimportant ones.) each time, i thought i will die, but i didnt. so again, i wont. i will survive this.

why get married when u know it wont do you any good huh?

i just wish he would at least try to change my mind. sigh.

lesson 1 of day 3

2009-05-11T13:44:00.003+08:00

lesson 1 of day 3 of the 14 days of being on a break:

absence makes the heart grows fonder. its very very true. missing taj very much now. maybe it takes one to take a step back to see the whole picture instead of the many pimply flaws dotting the exterior of a small surface.

so lesson 2 of day 3:

do not concentrate on the pimples. look at the person as a whole. analyse the pros and cons. and whatever cons, if it's not to detrimental to your wellbeing, compromise. if cannot compromise, try to burst the pimple. especially the ones that can fly and stick to your mirror. (oh, the joyous act of bursting pimple)

and lesson 3 of day 3:

DO NOT HAVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS DURING EXAMINATION PERIODS! my aug and rom has succesfully been failed by me. i have successfully failed this module. no thanks to shelley's MONT BLANC. i went blank on MONT BLANC. blah.

(glad to see my sense of humour, though lame, is coming back)

let it be

2009-05-10T05:22:00.002+08:00

u know what they say... sometimes, u just have to let things be. no matter how much you would love to have it, or u would love for it to happen, you should just let it be. if it's meant for you, you will get it.

ive never really believe in that u know. if i want something, usually, i'll get it. i'll work for it, i'll fight for it, and whatever it takes, i'll get it. (and im very good at throwing tantrums, my parents can vouch.)

right now, there is really something i want and i cant have. maybe i have to wait a few years for it. maybe i wont. but im going to just leave it to fate. if it happens it happens. if it doesnt, then too bad for me.

there was something i could have done in the past that would mean i would have had a different present, and most probably a different future. but this is the process of life. a journey. the process of growing up and out of my idealistic notions of life.

without my past, i would have still been a big bloody bitch towards people i love the most. i would have still prefer hanging out mindlessly with equally mindless people. at least now i try not to be so demanding and bitchy. i try to compromise as and when i feel there is a need to. and i can prioritise my activities slightly better.

so lesson learnt. the lessons of life.

i have 2 weeks to make a decision. a decision that will determine my future, and my happiness as a whole. i will follow my heart.

to try or to let go. to try or to wait for other opportunities. to try, to let go or to just let it be and see where it takes me.

my heart is just not in it anymore and i dont even know how it came to this.

2 weeks to see whether my heart will resume pumping blood into my now lifeless body, or stop beating period.

2 weeks...

i wish to escape from the painful realities of life. everything in life is transitory. the only permanence is death.

it's not the end of life when things end

2009-05-08T05:00:00.000+08:00

you know what? it's not the end of my life if i were to walk away. even though now im feeling sick in my stomach, somehow or other, i feel stronger. i will be able to survive alone. something i have not done for a long time.

this is wat we call fate. sometimes u think u know something, u dont.
i thot zil was the one, we broke up.

i thot taj was the one, i even got engaged to him. look at where i am now?

is it worth it to sacrifice happiness just cause ure afraid of being lonely? i think not.

maybe it's time for me run my own one-man show. i can survive, and i will survive.

... i just hope God will give me enough courage to end this. look at zaf. she broke off her engagement and she's happy. maybe i will be like her one day.

walking away

2009-05-08T04:46:00.002+08:00

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

sometimes some people get me wrong
when it's something I've said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run
but now I truly realise some people don't wanna compromise
well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well I don't wanna live my life too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights i'm sorry to say lady

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

Well I'm so tired baby
things you say you're driving me away
whispers in the powder room baby
don't listen to the games they play
girl I thought you'd realise I'm not like them other guys
coz I saw them with my own eyes
you should've been more wise
and well I don't wanna live my life too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights I'm sorry to say lady

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

-this will be a better thing to do before it's too late. i hope i'm doing the right thing.

2009-05-04T04:35:00.000+08:00

i think i have found the reason behind my fear of marriage.

its not actual the fear of being married, or pregnant or watever. im just afraid im gonna get married to the wrong guy.

cuz if he is the right guy, all the issues brought forward earlier on would have never been a problem.

i have issues with myself, unsettled.

im giving this whole engagement thing a serious thought, again. this is my future and his future too. i dont want to ruin his life or my life. i need to be happy to be married. and right now, im not.

so yes, news check, im publicising it, quit asking when im gonna get married. it might happen, it might not. deal with it. life sucks.

and no, fyi, i hadnt had a fight with my fiance recently. its just me. and yes, he is still my fiance.

maybe im incapable of loving people, cause im too in love with myself. maybe im incapable of being happy, cause i live in a galaxy, far far away. lalaland perhaps. where teletubbies rule the world.

i wish im in lalaland. i wish im really in a galaxy, far far away.

i wish im wolverine. with no recollection of my past.

to think i was hit by a bus just over 2 years ago, and i can still remember every bit of my past.

yah, i should be thankful right? but no, actually, i would have preferred to have amnesia.

sigh. sigh. sigh.

ok exams coming. have to study. lovelife has to take a backseat.

hey, maybe i should become a spinster. just a thought.

special friend

2009-05-04T01:28:00.000+08:00

Every now and then we find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
But a part of you will

never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
For ever more a part of me

you're everywhere
I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind

your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your

side in all you do
And I won't ever leave

as long as you believe
You just believe...

CHorus:
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
And if you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
Reeee-member meeee thiiiiias waa-aay.

2009-04-26T05:00:00.000+08:00

i think im not ready for marriage. period.

the idea of being halal and all is a definite turn on. but the after effects, im not willing to live with it.

1. pregnancy. after looking at nadiah giving birth, i dont think i would ever be as strong as her. and taj wants it done NATURALLY. if i even WANT to get pregnant, that shud be good enough. natural is just going too far.

2. motherhood. yah if u have babies, u have to be a mother. i dont think i want someone to kol me mummy. maybe it wont be too bad, but it'll just mean that im old. which i dont want to feel.

3. chores. if i get a husband who is willing to share, its okay. but i highly doubt such guys exist. and the thing is, i hate DIRT. so i HAVE to do the chores. but i DONT want to do the chores. so how? and i dont want maid. a waste of room space.

4. adultery. how sure are u that the person u are married to wont commit adultery?

5. getting fat. malay women just gain weight after they get married. i dunno y, but they just do.

this is super troublesome. i should just back out and never get married and just continue to have bfs. hmm.

yana's bday pics

2009-03-09T21:02:00.000+08:00

yana's bday and more

2009-03-09T20:08:00.000+08:00

Happy Bday Yana!

Yana kena T-I-P-U!

Taj, Amri and Me had Yana guessing and feeling disappointed all the while when in fact, we were secretly planning a surprise for her. And it took us only 2 hours of precise planning and everything went smoothly.

Oh boy. She was SHOCKED! We didnt need any elaborate plannings which would fail anyway. Like planning to surprise her in a place where there is a 90% chance of not "bumping" and surprising her. And we didnt need to waste so much money yet everything was beautiful.

We lit candles by the beach in an ingenious way that taj and me devised. I mean, only stupid people would light candles by the beach cause there's wind. like duh! but we had a plan devised to counter that problem.

And we had plan A, B and C. damn foolproof. I feel so proud of ourselves.

And for her gift, Amri got her a DAMN beautiful FCUK watch. taj and me went along with him to choose the watch and I fell in love with the watch! And it was quite ex, but Amri really wanted to get it for Yana. aww. so sweet.

Taj and me got her very practical stuff. 3 pairs of blouses, face mist and body mist. all for outings or work. We decided NOT to get handbags cause she has a lot. especially Guess. I have never liked Guess bags. And as u can guess, haha, i DO NOT have one. I have Carlo Rino, I have Santa Barbara Polo Racquet Club etc. But i choose NOT to buy Guess cause everyone has it and it has become very cheap-o.

especially the metal buckles. eew. so far i have only seen one that i liked. but i didnt get it either.

and ive finally opened my UOB account. and i decided to open a savings plan since i was there. im considering the protection-cum-retirement-cum-savings plan. maybe in june.

now that im getting older (23 in exactly a week), wiser and more affluent, i have to plan my finances properly without cutting back on necessary stuff like "oxygen", food (eating out!), entertainment, clothes, shoes and miscellaneous. in that particular order.

Taj told me I can open a shop with all the bags I have. mind you. they r NOT cheap.

Anyway, I should sleep. I need to be at work by 9 a.m. yawnz.

farhanah's uninteresting life - the continuation

2009-02-23T17:14:00.000+08:00

i'm officially tired. i have never work so hard my entire life. this is the first day in a month i actually got time to surf the net.

i love my job. but it can get quite hectic. i worked 15 days in a row without any off. And i got my first off yesterday. and im gonna have to work another 12 days in a row without any off.

well...at least the job is the most interesting one i have ever had.

enough bout me. met nadiah on friday and lepaked with her for awhile. had not seen her for a long long time. den went for her wedding party at cafe del mar on sunday. Cant wait to see her baby due on 22nd April. and its a girl! yay! im glad she's happy.

met a few people at cdm. abbas was there and i almost didnt recognise him. he is with iffah now.

den just now, was the last day of wpl training for the first group. almost cried. the group was wonderful. they treated me to lunch and one even gave me a present. and i hugged almost all of them. so sweet. i realise teaching adults is better than teaching children or teenagers.

i went back to the office and met sharon ismail who has join us as an associate trainer. she is a nice lady.

anyway, i almost had a mental break down. if it wasnt for anthon, i think i would have just quit. im lucky i have nice colleagues even tho i have only been here for less than 2 months.

well, will start my snef programme tomorrow. i shall get some rest.

very drained

2009-01-19T17:53:00.001+08:00

i have no life.

i took up a job which leaves me no room for a life.

oh no. haha. oh well.

very drained

2009-01-19T17:53:00.000+08:00

i have no life.

i took up a job which leaves me no room for a life.

oh no. haha. oh well.

execution-nazi style

2009-01-13T18:56:00.000+08:00

the victim has become the victimizer

the jews have turned into hitler. there is a reason why we were told that we can be friends with christians, buddhists, hindus, sikhs etc etc but we should never even talk to jews.

read jew of malta. jews are selfish people. evil.

jews should be wiped off from the face of the earth. and it should have been done in 1940.

ok, maybe not ALL jews are bad. like some muslims are terrorists. and some christians belong to the ku klux klan. so u see.

these bad apples spoil the basket. the best part is, the bad apples are the government of israel.

israel is evil. holy land my fat ass.

tired but refreshed

2009-01-07T18:40:00.000+08:00

this is one of the most interesting jobs ive ever been in. i was sent for personal effectiveness training on my 2nd day. since ive got nothing to do anyway. tomorrow i will be going to the police academy to train policemen. yah. really. real policemen.

my career has just got WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY COOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!

alhamdullilah.

and yeah, the pics at thailand. i will continue when im not too tired. -_-

back from thailand and new job

2009-01-06T17:18:00.000+08:00

Just came back from Thailand last Saturday. We went to pattaya and bangkok.

It was UNBELIEVABLY GREAT! I LOVE PATTAYA! i did everything i wanted to do in thailand. snorkelling, ride an elephant, ride a tuk-tuk, shooting, thai massage, tasting real thai tom yam and of course shopping! spent new year in pattaya and had a 360 degrees view of fireworks at bali hai pier. it was amazing!

some of the pics! i shall upload those taken in pattaya first since there are too many pics.

hotmail

2008-12-29T02:08:00.000+08:00

hotmail, is NOT so hot anymore.

for the past few months since they have been revamping the bloody free email service, i have been having trouble accessing my email. where's the plain old hotmail?

im flying off tonight. but i cant even check my hotel reservation for my hotel in pattaya. haiz.

will be staying in Cosy Beach hotel (if my reservation is confirmed) in Pattaya and All Seasons in Bangkok. Will be celebrationg New Year in Pattaya with the ladyboys. hehehe

anyway, i think, overtime, i shall switch to gmail permanently. sigh.

yay!

2008-12-27T21:17:00.000+08:00

ive got a few job offers and there were two that were extremely attractive in terms of future prospects and benefits. but one wanted me to sign on straight away and their basic pay was better. the other has a low basic but very high monthly variable and performance bonuses, but, they also really want to discuss and set up a very good contract for me.

in the end, i chose the former because i'll be working for ssa which is a company dealing with courses that the workforce development agency organises. i'll be dealing with english workforce literacy.

the reason i chose this was also not because it's better monetarily. it's certainly lower than what i'm getting paid now. however, the job is different, and i'll be dealing with a totally different group of students. the students would be adults. no more children. it'll be an interesting change. so i'll start on 5th jan.

anyway, so when ive been working full time on my current job and i take mc, i'll get medical benefits right. makes sense right? den JUST now, they cut off TWO days pay from my december pay lah! wtfffffff. they said that they have been wrong all these while. wtf right? and the amount that they cut is the amount i give my mom every month ah. wtf.

and on my last month of working. says so much.

ah nvm. forget it ah.

anyway, going to bangkok in two days time! yay. so will blog again when we come back. taaa

there's always hope

2008-12-19T22:18:00.000+08:00

things are looking up. in every aspect of my life.

parents and brother leaving for cape town sunday night, so i will have the house all to myself. invited girlfriends over for christmas eve cum slumber party. gonna be fun! strictly girls only!

den will be leaving for bangkok the following monday after next's. yay!

when i come back, i will insyallah start a new job. so i'm quite excited. it's not too bad. and after my 2nd interview, i can really see my future with this company. we'll be discussing contractual details on tuesday. the first interview was with the boss and the 2nd was with his partner. both went over an hour. in fact, the 2nd interview was over 2 hours! it wasnt an interview! it was like sitting in a cafe, talking to ur gfs over a cup of mocha frap. will have great bosses if i take up this job.

anyway, im really gonna miss my family cause i wont be seeing them for 2 weeks. i leave the day before they return from cape town. so i wont be seeing my mom for 2 weeks! =( haiz. as i grow older, my mom is becoming more and more like my bestfriend. so im gonna miss my new bestfriend.

everything with taj is slowly returning back to normal. at least i didnt give up that easily. *pats myself on the back* but i dont want to expect too much from this. the higher your expectations, the bigger the disappointment.

anyway, started teaching etienne and ewen tuition again. and both got above 90 for english. so i'm very happy. all my tutees did well for their final year.

will have picnic with my intermediate students today. yay!

be contented with what you have. others are not as lucky.

life is a box of chocolates

2008-12-17T20:51:00.000+08:00

life is a box of chocolates. or 2 packets of kit kat chunky's.

clearly stated at the counter, buy 2 at $3 and get a free handphone chain. i bought 2. and i didnt get any handphone chain. -__-

so... life is 2 packets of kit kat chunky's. have a break, have a kit kat.

life leaves u no room for breaks.

at least, im trying. im trying to stabilise this relationship. what we have built. two over years of being together. im trying. i dont give up.

im also trying. i will receive a huge huge paycut when i switch to a new company, and my pay will only be restored to what i'm getting now in a year's time. but at least, it's a permanent job with lots and lots of potential to become future partners. so, let me start from below again and climb my way up.

at least, i have a job. at least, i have money. at least, taj still cares for me, right?

dont ever give up. for ever grief, there's happiness not far ahead.

better

2008-12-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

things are getting better.

feelings starting to come back.

he's trying.

let's see how long this will last.

try and try. then, try again

2008-12-13T02:45:00.001+08:00

how long should i try?

should i even bother?

ive told taj the brutal truth. that i might not have feelings for him anymore, that i find him super-stale, that i dont want to get married and have children and many such things. i told him if a better guy comes along, i will leave. (this was when we were having heart2heart talk ok. not when we're fighting. so i was being very honest, not emotional). i think that hurt him. but, at least now he's making an effort to curb his temper and stop being such a jerk.

i dont want to leave him hanging. but this is my future at stake. i want a happy fairytale life. and i wont get married until im sure that i can be happy when i wake up every morning.

went to jb with taj 2day and we got into a minor accident w a taxi. oh well. i guessed it would hv happened sooner or later. just got back at about 7am. so now im bloody sleepy. so i shall end it here.

the future is too mysterious for the present.

clarifications and updates for kpos

2008-12-09T21:32:00.000+08:00

i read my blog post and with the rossa lyrics and everything... it sounds as if im regretting about an ex who is now attached. and since zil is now attached(i think), it's as if im talking about him. which im not!

i really am glad zil has a new gf(or i think she is, but he said he's single. so i dunno), and that she actually looks nice and is not some minah. im very very happy for him. u see, i still feel guilty when i c that he doesnt have a gf. it's as if its my fault that he cant trust gerls or smth. i was evil. so now i feel less guilty. hee. (selfish reasons i know)

i see him only as a friend. someone great to talk to when i have problems because he always says the right things. there were reasons why we broke up. i dont rmmbr y, but we did. and going back to an ex-s is never a good thing.

zil is nice and he is a great guy despite the countless insults i threw at him when we were together. he wouldnt "kacau other pple's gfs". i guess, its also because i cheated on him. so.. he knws how it feels. (now i rmmbr y we broke up. my fault. hands down)

i dunno y taj has a prob with zil. haiz. i really dont meet up with zil or talk to him or chat with him unless we bumped into each other on msn. so.......

susah2.

i msged taj and told him the truth ah. what i really feel. he promised me that he'll change and try as hard as he can to control his temper. he told me he feels the same about me as he did when we first got together.

i told him let's just try. this trip to bangkok will help us get to know each other all over again.

being engaged is trying. 2 of my friends who are currently engaged also told me they are facing problems. so you see. its different from being bf gf. its really engagement life that sucks. we were okay just 5 mths ago before we got engaged. haiz.

but to my 2 friends, and to me too. whatever it is, it's all fate. we can plan and try to work things out, but God has the last say. so we just have to go through this difficult period and hope everything goes well. good luck to both of u, and to me too.

let's hope all 3 of us will be happily married one day, insyaallah. the lord giveth and he taketh it away. it's all fate

movie date

2008-12-09T19:08:00.000+08:00

went out with taj for a movie date. it's so difficult now that everything is hanging. he is trying so hard and i'm being such a bitch.

the movie was good though. but i was really being such a blah. im just so confused. i really need to find my inner self.

do i want this? what do i want?

haiz. i just wish to gain freedom from reality. reality sucks.

i want to be 18 again.

i deserve this. really. i had what i wanted, i just didnt know it. i let it go. i was selfish. if i could turn back time, i would relive the past and make sure its perfect.

it was perfect. i just didnt realise it. damn it ah fana.

i was very selfish. i think im being selfish again.

oh well. anyway, ive been singing this rossa song since karaoke session last sunday. its so stuck. hahaha

Lyrics | Rossa lyrics - Aku Bukan Untukmu lyrics

to try or not to try

2008-12-08T20:25:00.000+08:00

met up with taj after gathering at wak salim's hs. he is really keen for us to work things out. now, the problem is just me.

he was really sweet. bought me 2 bears and all. apologised. kept on apologising and telling me he loves me.

im so confused. i told him to give it some time. we'll continue on as per normal. i want to see if i no longer have cold feet.

so im single but am not. confusing. well, as for now, im still engaged. i want to see whether we can work things out. if can good. if cannot, at least we tried.

anyway, back to work after 5 days of not working. heh.

stresses of life.