Sunday, August 15, 2010

hana's stream of conciousness

when your life is running so smoothly, and you're happy for the first time in a long time... really happy cause you've mapped out your life, and are determined to go through with your plans... and you know everything will turn out fine when you follow the path. suddenly, an unexpected force comes in to provide resistance (not necessarily negative), and u know this force can overwhelm you and divert you from your path.

okay, maybe the force will not overwhelm, but it can distract...

or it will compliment. maybe.

argh. whatever. can't get it out of head. argh. ive been mindf**ked. haha

anyway, for the past few months, i've been really happy. single. i've always had someone with me since i was 16. i wasnt even dating. ive always had a bf. and ever since i was 18, with zil and taj, i was in stable committed relationships that spanned over a few years. 2 yrs, 3 yrs respectively.

the past one year, ever since i broke off the engagement and left taj (which was a very difficult decision on my part. it took a lot of confidence and prep talk and a month away from him to get me to do it), has been quite interesting.

i went through the process of being 18 again. i started dating around. Luckily for me, the guy I dated (Jacob) was God's way of showing me that this kind of guys do exist. (go for friday prayers, good religious knowledge - if muslims -, nice, good sense of humour etc). Then satan had to come back and counter attack, and along came the Spawn of Satan.

And ever since the day i managed to purge Spawn of Satan out of life, I have realised something. That I really do not need anyone because my friends are enough, my family is enough... my life is fine.

I have a great job. I enjoy school. I have the greatest friends and family. I have everything. Alhamdulillah. So why do I need to have a guy to make me feel whole right? and ever since that realisation came to me, i've been jumping around, a bundle of joy, everywhere I go. I reflect on my past mistakes, not so much as to complain, but as a reminder to myself NOT TO GET DISTRACTED.

but i know deep down inside my heart, that if Jacob comes back, I would go wherever he wants me too, because i know, being with him is the only way i can achieve all that i've ever prayed for. or at least, i THOUGHT so.

and so... there i was cruising along, happily with my life... observing, assessing, analysing... and everytime distractions come along, i'll switch on my bitch switch, and bye-bye distraction, have a nice life.

den suddenly.... BOOM. another distraction came along. and this was a perfect distraction.

and as of now, i'm so distracted, trying to get the distraction out of my head, that im about to go headbang myself on the wall.

ARGH.

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 4:21:00 PM