Tuesday, December 29, 2009

ineffable... tak mampu diungkapkan

i can go all poetic about this, either bersajak or in iambic pentameters or shakespearen or whatever. But i'm just going all Hana.

I shall now declare to the world that... YES! I AM IN LOVE! SOOOO in love. yes, LOVE. not infatuation or crush or whatever. diss me all you want. but i dare say that i love him.

it disappoints me to no end that he can't go to KL with me tomorrow. everything has been planned, paid for, booked etc. and as i am typing this, im tearing.

but, inspite of the disappointment and all that, i actually feel good. and you know why i feel good? cause i know what i did was the right thing to do. and i know that him staying here where he is needed is the right thing to do. and i really felt bad that HE felt bad that he couldnt go. it actually hurt me more that he felt bad than he actually not being able to go.

when you put his need above yours. when one mth of planning goes down the drain, but u didnt whine as much as you normally would have, when you feel better just knowing that he feels better... and, the most amazing thing was, you didnt use sarcasm to get your way at all. WOW. (seriously amazes me. really. sarcasm is my best weapon and yet with him, all my best, tried and tested weapons disappeared. ive been disarmed. jacob disarmed bella. )

so ladies and gentlemen, THAT'S how i know i love this boy THAT much. and that's how i verify that my feelings for him is true. not just an infatuation.

and yes, the reason why ive been so emoshit the past few weeks it's because he's leaving spore. like NOT on a holiday (i wish). NOT even on study trip for 2 or 3 years. he is going back home. and home for him is NOT singapore. he's leaving in 12 days...

a high probability that in 12 days, it would be the end of the journey of bella, the parrot and jacob, the bear. or it could be a whole new beginning. (oh dear, im tearing up again.).

never in my life have i acted in the manner ive been around him. puke all you want, but this boy, who is 2 years younger (2 yrs 7 mths 14 days younger to be exact. yah do your math, calculate his bdae and find him on fb. so kpo u pple) and 2 mths and 1 day older than my baby brother, makes me feel all squishy mushy... ineffable... inside.

he is my love story. he is my New Moon.

he is jacob. why jacob? i was looking for a friend and nothing more. i found a friend, and i fell in love with him. and jacob, being jacob... is bella's saviour.

i was so confused, what's with having just broken off an engagement and having another guy who so badly wants to marry yet i cant swallow the idea of even sitting for 3 hours in a cafe, let alone marry. i called for help. needed just a friend to share my sucky life stories with. needed some fun to take my mind off nonsense. and i found him.

gradually my friend became more than a friend. and the best part is... i love him in so many more ways than one, cause he is to me so much more than just someone i fell in love with.

ive always felt that im better than the guys ive been with previously. ive always felt that im too good for them and they dont deserve me. ive finally met a guy whom i know is far more superior than me, and that I dont deserve him. i really dont.

he is farrrr, way much better than me in so many aspects. and by only-God-knows-what, i met him. and only God knows why he even went out with me in the first place.

heaven on earth. it has been 4 weeks of pure bliss and nothing less, but so much more.

he takes my breath away. and even if things might not work out... i know that whatever happened between us is pure.

i know you might read this, so my dear jacob, bella loves you. yeah, your parrot loves you, you hibernating bear. baby, i <> syg u so very very very the much.

so this will be my last entry for 2009. it has been an eventful year. i started my year in Pattaya, spent a month of it in Qingdao and ending it in KL. and of all the things that happened, the best was meeting Jacob. (yes, he knocked Qingdao off the top. haha..)

anyway, Happy New Year pple. i pray that 2010 will be a better year for all of us...

and jacob, I LOVE YOU. =)

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 12:33:00 AM

Saturday, December 26, 2009

sheer insanity, pure madness

just when you thought you have gone through everything bad that life has to offer... that you have seen the worst at such a young age... a whole new level strikes you... so intense the feeling it's enough to drive you through the wall...

and the sheer insanity of it all, you yourself can't phantom. pure madness.

vision has been clouded... blinded even. you used to see the world so clearly. you knew what you needed, what you wanted.

you were brave enough to let go whatever or whoever cause you knew that what or who you were letting go would not benefit you in any ways. they were just a hindrance to your bright future.

and yet... in a matter of a few days... everything changed. without even having laid eyes, you were sure you're going to feel the loss of losing a friend. but it wasnt so bad cause you know you can still stay friends even 690 miles away.

but suddenly, when friendship turned into something ineffable, you stopped breathing, so forcefully it came. its like your breath has been sucked out from you. so many times you have tried to put it into words, but there isn't a word great enough, apt enough to decribe what you are going through.

you wonder... does he know what you are feeling? does he know how much your heart aches, in good and bad ways, whenever you look at him? can he feel it? does he really feel the same way or is it because you so badly want him, you feel that he does?

and through it all, a small voice inside you, so unfamiliar this voice, keeps on whispering,"you don't deserve him."

it has been 4 weeks of sheer insanity and pure madness... yet the most blissful of all happiness. you wish it didnt have to end, but you know what goes up must come down. you signed the contract. you knew what you were in for the moment you said, "hi."

knowing doesn't mean it gets any easier. the longer you know, the more you learn. the more you learn, the deeper you love.

it's inevitable. the time will come.

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 4:51:00 PM

Friday, December 25, 2009

her and him astrology readings

ok i was bored... still am... trying to sleep but cant. so i tried doing this by using our respective birthdates.. and this was what i got. okay i edited the names out cause they required full names, and since this blog is quite public and will be posted on fb's notes, i do not really want to publicly tell everyone who he is and especially his bdate. hahaha.. so anyway, our names have been changed to pronouns. heh. =)

her Sun Conjunct his Mars:

You inspire each other to be very active in both work and play, and to accomplish a great deal. You enjoy challenging each other and perhaps enjoy competing with each other in games. The only negative tendency is to possibly develop a rivalry with each other; this is especially possible if he comes on too forcefully, directly and aggressively, hurting her feelings or pride.

his Sun Conjunct her Pluto:

You draw out each other's deepest, hidden feelings, drives, needs, and ambitions. The uncovering of your inner needs and hopes is likely to cause both of you to undergo some major personality changes. You share a deep, inner bond; this is not a light or superficial relationship. You may go on a crusade together and jointly pursue shared interests with unusual intensity and dedication.

her Sun Opposition his Venus:

You really enjoy each other's company and have a good time together. You share positive attitudes and feelings openly and you help each other see the brighter, more beautiful side of life.

her Sun Square his Saturn:

he must be very careful not to harshly criticize or judge her. There is a strong tendency for her to feel blocked, frustrated, and discouraged by him. Typically, he will feel surprised by her feelings of frustration and anger, and feel that she is just being overly sensitive to criticism. There is an element of truth to both viewpoints: he tends to be too critical of her and she tends to be too sensitive to the criticism; the combination can be disastrous! she may try to ignore the problem, but ignoring the problem will not cause the problem to disappear. On the positive side, you are often able to work together effectively in meeting challenges and responsibilities. However, the tendency to become overly concerned with your responsibilities and be too conservative, cautious, and restrictive towards each other must not get out of hand, or you will both feel severely confined and restricted by being together.

her Sun Square his Uranus:

When the two of you get together, you make a lot of noise, and there is lots of excitement. There is a strong element of unpredictability and spontanaeity as well and you enjoy improvising new ideas and playing together. Because there is a loose, spontaneous quality to your relationship, you find that very often you can not depend on each other and it is difficult for the two of you to focus on mundane, tedious, or onerous tasks together. This is a good relationship for exploring new possibilities and interests and for spurring each other to become more spontaneous, independent, and creative, but a difficult relationship if dependability and commitment to each other is a high priority.

his Sun Trine her Jupiter:

The two of you really enjoy each other's company! she has a great deal of confidence in him and is able to see his best qualities. You are very encouraging and supportive of each other, helping each other to be more confident, open new doors, and advance and grow in both inner and outer ways. This positive note of good will and harmony is also invaluable in helping the two of you overcome differences in temperament and other stressful aspects of your relationship discussed elsewhere in this report.

his Sun Sextile her Neptune:

The two of you have a strong intuitive understanding of each other, and you inspire each other's imagination, idealism, and aspirations. You help each other to become clearer about your ideals and religious inclinations, and together you develop a greater sense of meaning and purpose in your lives. You help each other to look beyond the daily problems and issues of your personal lives and focus more on altruistic goals and broader issues.

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 4:02:00 PM

bubbly... =) bble t. haha

I've been awake for awhile now
You've got me feeling like a child now
Cause everytime i see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes, I always know
You make me smile, please stay for awhile now
Just take your time, wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Undercover staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way...
I just... hmmm...

I've been asleep for awhile now
You tuck me in just like a child now
Cause everytime you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul and I lose all control
When you kiss my nose, the feeling shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holding me tight...

Wherever... you go...

***

just seeing Jacob today made Bella's day... her heart skipped a beat when her eyes met his, and immediately her face broke out into a smile. 16 days and counting.. and although it pains her at the mere thought of him leaving in 2 weeks, she couldnt help smiling when she saw him. all pain masked behind the temporary happiness of seeing him.

everyday is a new day. everyday is the first day. and everyday she falls deeper and deeper.

the feeling of happiness mixed with sadness and fear is indescribable. happiness at seeing him. sadness at the thought of him leaving. fear that they will never meet again.

bella really *hearts* jacob.

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 5:13:00 AM

Thursday, December 24, 2009

silent tears

silent tears...

the truth, how truly heart wrenching it is
you will never know...
painful for the eyes to see
even worse for the one shouldering the pain...

silent tears...

the sun always shines before the rain...
always smiling...
only He can see the pain...
behind that fake sunshine...

silent tears...

survived, unscathed
through the most trying of times...
immortal, or so thought...
til that fateful day...

silent tears...

to question fate
to question the All Knowing One
a blasphemy...
with a sigh, fate is accepted...

silent tears...

with a heavy heart
she faces the world
a smile on her face
a silent tear rolling down her cheek...

:-...(

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 12:13:00 AM

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

tercipta untukku...

menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
membuatku terdiam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesta tubuhku

banyak kata yang tak mampu ku ungkapkan
kepada dirimu...

aku ingin engkau selalu hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah yang menyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
sepanjang hidupku...

aku ingin engkau selalu hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah yang menyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku...

meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tahu ku selalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu sepanjang hidupku...

*whatever happens jacob will always be in bella's heart*

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 10:31:00 PM

In this life I was loved by you.....

For all i've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch, you set me free

For every mountain I have climbed
For every raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I'd longed to find
Without your love I would be lost

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all fall's apart
I would know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you...

Bella *hearts* Jacob

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 3:19:00 PM

bella's heart

my heart. you have taken. return it to me should you decide you no longer want it. and as long as you have it, i will wait for you.

*hearts* *hearts* *hearts* so so so much.

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 12:29:00 AM

Bella is irrevocably in love with Jacob

irrevocably in love she is... it hurts to breathe out the words "Goodbye." Just the thought of it hurts so much... but she once heard someone said "it's better to live with someone you love for one day, then live with someone you dont love for the rest of your life."

she has had 3 weeks and she has 2 weeks left. and every moment with Jacob, is a moment Bella will treasure all her life. and all she can do is watch him go and pray that one day, their hearts will meet again.

fate... jodoh... yuan fen. in all languages... it's the same... she lives it up to Him, and hopes that fate is kind enough...

Jacob is her favourite hello and hardest goodbye. But she wont say goodbye. Goodbye signifies the end, and she doesnt want this to end.

When Jacob leaves, Bella will await for the moment she feels him in her arms again.

Bella *hearts* Jacob very much.

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 12:11:00 AM

Monday, December 21, 2009

Bella doesnt want to miss a moment with Jacob

I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
while you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spend with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time...

*Bella Jacob very much*

Posted by L|v|nGdEaD b|tCh at 1:07:00 AM

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

so painful...

how sucky can life be?

seriously sucky. but because it's fate, we have to accept it the way it is. it sucks. meeting the right person. he who fits nicely into every crook and crevices of my heart and fills up all the gaping holes.

with him, everything is right. everything falls into place. i feel so at ease, it surprises me cause ive never (and ive been with ALOT of guys) felt this way. even with my ex-bf, the one i thought i loved the most, i didnt have this kind of feeling. he's more than a guy im attracted to. he's my jacob. a best friend.

it's a whole new level. a whole new feeling.

i wish fate didnt have to be so cruel.

i wish love didnt have to hurt so badly.

i wish my heart will stop feeling more and more pain as the seconds tick by so quickly till the day comes...

so painful, i cant breathe.